*Warning*

Because I will be in the field for a week, I won't be able to write, but I really hope that my handful of readers will join me back on the eighth, as I will have potentially funny or disastrous stories about the DCS weekend, mom, and the field. "Swamp restoration" was on potential item on the itinerary... that should pique your interest!

Note - I need to get a pull along rolling carry on. The shoulder bag/backpack/workbag/suit jacket combo is really rough to hump across DC.

How did it get to be Thursday already?

So with a whisk of my government wand, I was able to change my Florida field plans to include this weekend. I leave TOMORROW! middle of the day! What happened!?!? I haven't washed clothes, packed, heck, I haven't done anything. Guess what I am doing tonight?

By the way, I am not in love with Apple. My Ipod is jacked and any time I go in to have them look at it, they are full up on appointments and walkins just have to wait, but they never actually get to you. Did I mention that I walk there everytime, in DC heat? 2 miles each way? Yech. On another note - I did get a new phone (let's keep Skeeter the cat away from this one, maybe it will last.)

Talking to DCS last night, I found out that he had just gotten a new phone too. So we coincidentally have new matching phones. Awww...Yecch. But awww...too. a little.

Strange about the BBSR because my ace girl, Canada, worked with them quite a bit, lived out there for years and considers 'Uda home... And the test was a career placement test on monster.com

DCS looks at new apartments and condos today and called last night to find out what specs I want, and questions I want asked. I told him that I was coming in a weekend early, and maybe we could catch up Friday night when I get in for a late dinner. Probably won't happen as he has plans for a suns baseball game. I would really love to see him then. Yes, I know that I get to see him the following weekend for the whole weekend. But a little dinner visit would just be swell.

and mom. Yay! Before I moved to the islands, I was back and forth through home all the time. Now it seems like I go forever without going home. It will be months and months since I have been home. and beach - Where I live in PR we have mangroves not beach, and DC = no beach, so I am really looking forward to the smell and sound of beach. Growing up, during the summer, through my open window I could hear the waves rolling into the beach and the sound of the cars practicing on the speedway. I can't wait to spend this weekend at home!

that is how this morning is shaping up.

As A Complete Aside...

DCS took a monster.com type place career test. Among other things it said he could be president. He told me this. I agreed with the test, he could be president. He is great at stuff, including (probably) running the country.

Being over competitive like I am, I take the test (not to diminish his recent presidential inauguration, but just to show that I could be president too. He could be First Gentleman.)

My results? No president. I did get coroner, however.

Apparently having a background in marine science, qualifies you to be a marine scientist. And a coroner.

Not president.

I'm just a bill, And I got as far as Capitol Hill.

So today is a Hill visit. Trying to put a bug in the Reps' ear about the project I am working on. Should be exciting!

Chundered this morning. Yumm! Please let me advise the world at large against taking vitamins on an empty stomach.

Talked to DCS last night and things seem to be really getting back. Thank goodness. It isn't going the way it would have in my head, with an epiphany of "I can't live without you, what was I thinking?!" or a courtship and re-wooing or a reproposal since he nullified the other one. But getting back, nonetheless. And that makes me happy. Talking about shopping for a new place together again like we had planned before the Chernobal event, and my returning from the islands back to Florida.

And I get to see him in a week! I am going to Florida for some field work and I arranged the weekend before and after to stay in the area, so I get to see my mom the this weekend and DCS next weekend. I am stoked about that!

I wonder if women would really make better men, because we know what would be good. What women would want. Or would women being men, just make them unable to get it, because now they are men?

BBSR? Bermuda Biological? Why do you ask? Do I know you in the real world?

Such a Faulkner...

So I live in the Caribbean, except this summer I am stateside in DC working a fellowship, scholarship, internship, summer placement, whatever you want to call it. I brought "office" clothes as I was going to be working in an office. I am being sent to Florida for a week to go out in the field. I have loads of field clothes, just not here. That is the back ground for today's thought.

I walked to the Goodwill yesterday (2 miles in 110 degree heat index!) to look for yucky clothes to wear in the field. A whole lot of looking, not a lot of finding. I did, however, find great books. At $0.69 a piece. What a deal, right? And the Nicholas Sparks author that DCS likes, so I load up my basket. (The library is closer and free, but then I couldn't mail the books to DCS when I was done with them...)

Too bad I had to hump a million pounds of books back through that heat. But you know I was tagging that all on him! "That darn DCS and his Sparks books..." It amused me all the way home. And this morning too. It did not amuse him when I related the story to him last night.

It should have.

Out to buy clothes, return with pounds upon pounds of books.

Such a Faulkner.

Want to Weigh In?

It doesn't sit well that my title is so sad. I am thinking about changing it. I have a few ideas. Want to weigh in or, heck, add in?

Homegrown Cannibal (can double as punk band name)
Masochistic Cannibal (yes, cannibal is a theme here. Don't really know why. Bet those arm chair therapists will have a field day with "cannibal."
Sticky Wicket (can double as brit pop band name)

No, I don't play in a band, actually.

What I do when I should be working....

Weekend Quote

From Eldest Brother, looking at sunset Sunday evening: "Thank goodness for pollution!"

And then there was this article, coincidentally enough...

Okay, thanks Kitty for helping me out there! Anyone know how to do it for real, like the HTML language you have to write, because it wasn't accepting this morning's attempts. Thanks!

I don't really like peas and carrots...just the cliche'

So my jefe just had his kids in for lunch and to meet the office. 4ys old and 2yrs old. I don't know that I have ever met cuter kids. These kids are the kind I like best and will breed out myself.

Big blue eyes and white, white white hair.

I am in love with his kids.

I want mine to be just that cute.

(Hopefully they got their brains from their mom too. Jefe has had genius moments...setting his tree on fire with him in it to get rid of a spider....spearfishing and putting the caught fish in his shorts to keep them away from the sharks...etc. Have I mentioned how happy I am to be working with him? I am. No questions. He is a hoot and we get on like peas and carrots. and I covet his two bebes.)

But...

But I did just get a random lunchtime call "Hello, I was thinking about you, I love you, I gotta go now" type call.

The morning calls I anticipate a little (and appreciate a lot), but the random ones that are unexpected, put a big smile on my face. Like this one right now...Does it come through in my writing?

Not too much to tell today

So yesterday was a long day with a late meeting. Didn't get out of that until 6.45, then it was a work dinner. Didn't get out of that until 9.45. DCS had a work dinner and then went out with his work friends, so there was nothing last night.

Nothing but the most amazing tomato, mozzarella and basil stacked salad EVER.

Voicemail and collapse into bed, first two chapters of Harry, then lights out kiddo.

Round and Round We Go

All I wanted to do was tell him about this amazingly fun and resume'-able prospect I have that would be really fun for him to do with me. I wanted to tell him Tuesday night, but he didn't call (even though he said he would) and then I couldn't tell him because he wanted to tell me all about his stuff (which I wanted to hear) and then he didn't really have time to listen to me last night. Fine, I understand dinner and all. Really, humans need food. But then when he called back and I said I need 15 minutes, I was jumping in the shower, I'll call back in 15 minutes - he didn't pick up my call.

Dude - I said I was calling back at X time. When he says that, I make myself available, because that is considerate and polite and nice and you planned it out, for crying out loud. He called back 45 minutes later. Little thing right? It isn't hard to call and leave a message, "hey something came up, I'll call you in 45 instead of you calling in 15." that is completely understandable. Simply not picking up for the prearranged time leaves me feeling devalued and abandoned.

Yes, things are very touchy right now. He needs to be careful. Heaven knows I am trying to be extra considerate to his needs.

Too bad that turned into the regular argument of him: "nothing I do is ever good enough." Me: "why can't you simply keep your word? Why can't you be considerate? Your actions affect others."

All I wanted to do was tell him about the visiting scientist program and it be this exciting opportunity for me, that he gets an amazing vacation with me out of it.

I know that Bump (notice newly given code name for el bebe) makes me more emotional and crazy, and it was a little thing. I guess the reason I got so worked up, is that is just another serving of the same old stuff.

Hopefully us talking about how to deal with that type of thing productively will positively affect this in the future.

Point of Clarification

VJ -I agree with the most real time comment, but I think that there is part of this situation that I have left out. I have lived full time out of the country for a few years now. That makes is VERY difficult, and a very real distraction. Not excusing his behavior - because there is no excuse, just a fuller picture.

I agree with the growing up part. I have always known that. I hope that this point in his life he can realize that this is his opportunity, but that I don't want to be the trial ground for him to grow up on. I want to grow together with him, but not to be the training ground.

I REALLY hope that he will learn from this that his actions and words carry great weight with those he loves. I am not guiltless in that subject, but I know that I have already personalized that lesson from this situation. For sure.

He does want to marry. He does want to marry me. (and please don't read that like I am "that" girl." I am not fooling myself at all. I know this man very well.) We have serious communication problems. In terms of style. He is an INFJ and I am a ENTJ, he is a "harmonious/communicator" and I am a "cognitive/action behaviorist." Those have greatly different communication styles when dealing with issues and stress. And realizing this and how to manage it will really help us. (Please know that this isn't therapy babble, but library research)

And time apart has been too difficult for us. We both thought we could make it, but it has strained our relationship to this point. We are both reflecting now on how to communicate in a manner that is going to be beneficial and understandable to the other without compromising our own person. That is the hard part, how to compromise with another person, but not compromise your own person.

I had a good giggle about the trial marriage and engagements long enough for royalty! I agree whole heartedly. My rules are all based in my own real life. And then my decision on how to preemptively manage situations like that in the future. There is wiggle room in them, I reckon.

For as much insight that I feel I have in relationships right now, I feel like I should be a therapist. HAH! Kind of like that teacher insult: Those who can, do. Those who can't, instruct.

These are the thoughts of this morning.

Rules I Date By

The originals:

• Do not date your friends.
• Date nice Southern gentlemen.
• Do not date frat boys.

The additions:

• Do not live with someone unless you are marrying him.
• If you (or he) don't know/decide in a year, it isn't "it"; "it" won't happen - move on.
• Engagements should be short.

Today is Tuesday.

So I had an amazing day yesterday where I was able to explore a federal agency that I would really enjoy working professionally. I was able to pick the brains of women working there and get a feel for what they do and how they like it, and most importantly if they have funding.

My dream placement was filled, but then the person left. So it is open (YAY!), but not being filled due to budget restraints (BOO!), but may open up when I finish my endless degree (YAY!) That is uplifting and hopeful, and my professional friend there that arranged the day was very positive about the way things work. As in - things just work, when you are done with thesis, placement will open.

Let's hope!

DCS had a really great day too, met his mentor whom he got on like peas and carrots with, so I am really happy for him. And we had a decent phone conversation, like really decent, just normal and chatty, not angry and accusing or weepy and whining. Thank goodness.

Is normality too much to hope for?

Wait, Wait, Wait

So to straighten out a misunderstanding by my one reader, I emailed him to sell the wedding dresses. That is when it became "real" to him, and he seemed to realize that I was taking him seriously and that when he said all that stuff, and kept saying "no", "over" I took him seriously.

So my asking him to sell my dresses that I was storing under our/his bed, was the epiphanic (that isn't a real word!) moment.

More to come.

Limbo

So over this past week, I have talked to DCS every day. Apparently the idea of actually selling the wedding dresses was eye opening. He says he wants to work us out, I want to work us out, but no working is actually being done.

How does one retrace the footsteps back to togetherness? What are we to each other anymore? Are we still broken up? Are we still engaged? Are we back to boyfriend/girlfriend? Are we nothing? We are in this weird, awkward, sometimes angry, often lonely purgatory waiting room, trying to figure things out.

In my world, if you want something, you make it happen. So I don't understand when he says he wants to be together, but isn't making it happen. This is such a weird concept.

I know I love him and hope that we can re-rail this derailed train and get us moving back to together again.

Remember the California Condor project?

So I was lunching with my colleague, Hawaii (see everyone has codenames now!), and her NSF intern friend. Let me set the stage: Chipotles, almost done eating we notice the manager snarking at an employee in the kitchen, she emerges with a newborn. All at the table do an "Ewww...baby in the kitchen."

NSF intern then busts out with:

"Babies are so ugly. If I had a baby, it would have to be raised by handpuppets."

4 out of 5 Therapists Agree...

So I was thinking last night after I finished Traveling Mercies in the coconut-lime-verbena bath about things in my life that restrain me. I came up with this: No head trip restrains my actions, but focus more in on my relationships with other people. Competition/Jealousy and fear of abandonment are the two big ones.

Coming from a big family, there is no way to escape the comparisons. "But your brother was so good at this." "Your brother is so kind and people oriented" "Your brother is so smart" "Your brother is such a a great (insert sport, music, theatre, etc.)" Naturally I had to and still have to make myself freaking great to even be able to play in their game. Sometimes I wonder how I would be if I had been an only child. Would I continue falling down the mountain on the snowboard or would I call it quits and retire to the fireplace with cocoa? That is really difficult to know because being good at whatever is such an ingrained part of me. If there is something to be done, no sense in not doing it right. The big family competition thing also rears in jealousy. I am hyper aware of the hierarchy of the family and my friends now. It is like there is a continuously running poll in my head. I know who gets more time spent with them, who gets more money spent on them for the holidays, who gets more visits, phonecalls, emails. I am jealous of the time that DCS chooses to spend with his local friends versus choosing to spend time socializing /communicating on the phone with me when I live away. I am jealous that he would do what I perceived should be our dates with others while I was away. I was jealous and ultimately hurt that he chose to go on a valentine's date with another woman, go to a formal with another woman, go out with women that I told him beforehand would hurt my feelings if he did. I get jealous of him interacting with other women when I am not around to gauge that it is absolutely nothing (I know that it isn't, but it is so easy to feel unsure when you are so far away.)

Maybe concerns of being left, thrown away make it difficult to get close to people and let them get close to me. It is almost like there is a automatic, reflex defense on this. I don't even realize it is happening. Could it be part of the reason that men don't leave me, I leave them? 4 out of 5 therapists would probably agree. I realize now, with this DCS mess, that I get off a ship before it is a sinking ship if I even think it might sink. I don't know how many times I have left first to avoid the being left that I feel coming down the pipes (which usually I find out later was never coming...)

I don't know that these observations and self awareness changes the way I work. Maybe being aware of how I react to life and stress and situations is enough, then again maybe it is just noticing and doing the same. Maybe things need to change, maybe not. Maybe the whole world out there feels this same way and I am not any different than the world at large.

Who's to say?

YIPEE!

Right up there with the excitement of talking with DCS again and us working on us, and the excitement of el bebe is...paying off my credit card!

I PAID OFF MY DISCOVER CARD!

I am so unbelievably fricking happy. Without squirreling money toward the wedding, I had a bit of a lump sum in my checking account. I didn't want to send my poor bank into cardiac arrest, so I restored my account to its normal lows by taking the majority of the money out. And giving it to Discover Card people.

If only I could do that with my student loans...sigh

But for my student life, when I can ignore my federal debt, I am DEBT FREE! Time to retire that sucker card back into the freezer and leave it be.

Everyone should do a happy dance. Calvin and Hobbes style. I am. With my Discover Card.

Sigh

So my benign posting from yesterday, asking Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum to exit stage left caused a ruckus. In fact, I have moved away from my old blogspot page because of it. Back into anonymity of this page (I hope.) In fact, I even changed all names from their previous first name entry to the new required code names. Very spy game of me. But DCS (see changed his too to super secret letters) asked me to, and in the spirit of compromise (read:He orders, I comply) I acquiesced.

What a team player!

Unfortunately Tweedle Dum's ruckus caused an argument between DCS and I. At a time where we are so shaky and trying to be nice to each other and figure out how things are between us. Not what we needed. Seemed like all it did was highlight to DCS that I was being unreasonable (how's that for self awareness?) and highlight to me that DCS continues to side with anyone else other than me (prioritization, always prioritization).

A computer-land girlfriend that I admire very much gave me a thought to mull:
"I think that you "know when it happens" when you realize it DOESN'T happen. For me, when I met T, I realized there wasn't going to be any passionate soap opera moments, good OR bad. So I knew "it" was a myth and what was true and real was just being around someone who I could feel happy and warm and funny with. Someone who made me feel like I was always being myself AND made me feel like I was really cool at the same time. Does that make sense? "

I think that in order for DCS and I to do us, we need to identify and enumerate our expectations and realize that there is a difference between fairy tales and happily ever afters. I would trade the prince and the ball for a happily ever after with DCS.

Hey you, Lurker!

So seems like filling out the profile section of this journal links this "anonymous" blog to my profile of messengers services listed. I have recently learned that there are people from the real world reading this, lurking. And then reporting to DCS. I know of at least two names, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (names changed and code names given due to threat of a lawsuit for the wrong thing - yes, you may laugh at him - I did. Then changed the names for DCS, not his idiot friend with his eighth grade temper tantrum.)

Mr. High President of The Little Boy Spankers Club and his Madame President, your actions are not particularly cool.

In fact, girlie is a little computery and would know that online journals are somewhere people can write everything without concerns of being checked up on by their real world. It isn't even like it is an incident of my friends that I have invited to read, because friends are around in hard times and don't lurk and report.

To all you lurkers that I do know in real life, but don't know that you are reading this - maybe have respect and delete this link, espcially if your intent is to go and report your recent findings. Having peace of mind to unload my thoughts in this forum is a lot healthier than going crazy or stepping in front of the Metro.

To all you lurkers that I don't know in real life and are reading this, welcome to the jungle room.

Life List

1. Friends – I want to have a group of friends that are strong and true. I want a group of friends that we can get together and do things with, a gang, a quick-witted-sitcom-worthy group that is the base of my socializing. I want a group of friends that come to my house and we cook in the kitchen, the wine flows and music booms beneath cries of laughter and good ribbing of each other. I want a group of friends that discuss possibilities, and comfort definites, understand change, and encourage growth, while standing true and strong. I not only want these friends, I want to be this friend. I want a best friend that I love best and she loves me best, we are confidantes and support, we are a source of fun for the other and a kick in the butt when needed.

2. My One True Love – I want to find my life partner, my helper-mate, my best friend, confidante, encouragement and support. I don’t expect perfection, or even believe in it for that matter, but I want someone committed to making it work, someone that loves me enough, someone that I can fall in love with, someone that is careful with my broken, fragile heart pieces and can put them back together. I want someone that excites me, my head, my body, my life, but can be that center for my chaos of a life, someone that I can ground to. They say you know it when it happens, but I am walking proof that you don’t. I thought I found this, but he negated all the above by leaving.

3. Meaningful, Gainful Employment – I am an idealist, a naturalist. I believe that the hard work of just one person can change the dominant paradigm. I want so much to find a place where I can make a difference, where my contribution can bring us one minute closer to preserving the world and its function around us.

4. Health – I want to be healthy, to have a strong body and a stable mind. I want to accept my healthy body and mind, wholly. I want these things for my family and friends too.

5. Discovery – I want to travel the world. I want to see the big places and delight in the known places. I want to live in Europe and I want to love in the South, I want to roar through South America like Che’ and find peace in the East. I want to climb the mountains with names I can’t pronounce that the natives hold sacred, swim the rivers of my nation's blood, visit my Canadian neighbors, and seaplane all over Alaska.

6. Spirit – I want to find a peace within myself and with myself. I need to learn to embrace the stillness, not rebel against it and try to fill it. I need to learn to accept the pain, experience it without fear of losing myself in it. I want to learn grace. I need to finds a spiritual part of me to ground to, to pull strength from without the concern of religious branding or association. I need to learn to live with the religion I was raised in without the alternating apathy and hostility I feel towards it. I need to find self within spirit and the spirit within myself.

7. Money – I need to earn it and use it. I want to live debt free.

8. People – I need to learn to associate with people better. I need to be able to small talk with strangers and be warm with those I do not know or do not like.

9. Lifestyle – I want to live a sustainable life, making decisions that will not negatively impact those around me. I want to really learn another language, and then actually use it. I want to be a runner (5K nonstop), a swimmer, a gardener, and a writer. I want to drive a Vespa, ride bikes, create, and play my horn again. I want to do things because I like them, not because I have to keep working on it to be the best. I want to balance dedication and practice with love and enjoyment. I want to reconnect with my creative side, learn to write in times that aren’t dark and miserable, but happy times too, or mundane times. I want to gossip less, judge less, and speak the truth more.

10. Home – I want to own a home. I want to own a home where every room speaks of my touch, a home with warm wood floors, white walls and bold, colorful artwork. I want a home with chair rails and hook boards, baths to sink into, a cat asleep in the window, a boy playing catch with his little friend in the yard, a kitchen to chat in and beds inviting people to pile in. I want a home that my friends visit regularly and family loves. I want a home that houses my books, my thoughts, my loves and my loved ones. I want to work on that home, myself. I want to redo the floors, renovate the design, restore the splendor and make it, wholly, my home, my nest, my place, my safe place in the world.

11. Patience – I want to foster patience in my life. I lose my temper and rush through so much of my life that I seem to expect others to do the same. I want to learn to take my time eating (who cares if everyone finishes first), enjoy baking things that are slow, understand that relationships can’t be rushed, linger in the bathroom. I want to learn that the journey is not in the destination, but the getting there.

12. Care – Take care with my heart. Don’t trust people without reason, but trust with reason.

13. Bravery – Bravery isn’t moving forward to and through scary circumstances, but learning to get up again and again after falling, getting up every time after being pushed down.

14. Simplify – Expunge all the negative people in my life, the people that try to drag me down to their level, expunge the mental clutter that keeps me from living the life and being the person I want to be, expunge my physical belongings to just the things I need and choose, rather than keeping all I have.

15. Open Mind – Have an open mind for new experiences, people, jobs, ideas. Know that bad or unexpected things happen, but it all usually comes out in the wash.

Hurt

He hurt me.
So I hurt him back.
It made perfect sense.

Red Light, Green Light

So I have discovered that DCS is king of mixed signals. After asking to call me yesterday, he didn't call until after 10 pm (late in the early getter upper world), and I had already gotten sad about him not calling by the time he did.

Then he told me that me email asking him to eBay the wedding dress(es) hurt him and shocked him and why did I think it was so over? Ummm... maybe because you spent the last three weeks telling me it was?

I read online that women that miscarry once are more likely to do so again than one that has never miscarried. That was a gem to read.

So I told him about el bebe. I don't know why I did. It just popped out. I don't know which was more unfair - telling him or not telling him. I don't want it to come across like a grasping, ensnaring after school special style desperate attempt (and that is how I fear it might to him et al.), but I thought he should know.

Needless to say, the madness ensues. Currently. As nobody reads this journal...there is madness ensuing.

Thought

"A man's character is his destiny."

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Happy First Day at CSX!

So this morning is DCS's first day of work over at the train. I am so proud of him that my chest literally feels swollen. Since I woke up this morning, all I wanted to do was to call him and wish him good luck on his first day and tell him how proud of him I am. But I can't because of all the mess.

So after I get to work myself, he calls. I totally forgot that I wasn't supposed to take his calls, that I was supposed to be giving him space and figuring out life for myself and all the other advice from well meaning friends, and answered it. And then remembered. Drat! But it gave me a chance to tell him how proud I am of him and the "good luck"s for a first day of his career.

He asked to call me tonight.

He called me baby.

He had a nice tone of voice.

Did he somehow hear that I had a decent day, a day that I didn't cry (much)?

I don't want to talk to him if he is just going to rehash all the same things...again.

That painful flash of hope just lit up in my stomach when I heard his voice, his tone, his "baby," his request to call later tonight. I don't want to set myself up just to be torn down again by him. And I fear that I am.

I am so proud of him and his placement and want very much for him to fall in love with his new career. He will be great at it. CSX is very lucky to have him on board.

Inspired by 50 Word Fiction

And he said he would love her forever.
She closed her eyes and missed him moving to the door, deliberately, stepping into the monsoon.
She opened her eyes to a tomorrow she never expected; wanted.
She moved on. In front of a bus that helped move her on.

Dear Jane, Skip, Sterling and Genia

Thank you for sharing in my life for a while.
I had hoped it would be for a lifetime.
I will continue to hold you in my heart.

I remain yours,
Kc

Grown Up

DCS deserves to grow up. And I deserve a grown up

Just In Case I Missed His Drift

DCS was nice enough to point out again that I am garbage to him and there is a better chance of me making the US Olympic synchronized swimming team than us reconciling.

And he snarked at me that I was blaming him for this, when in fact I have said and remain that it is because I left for school and took a birth control that made me depressed. PR is to blame, Depo Provera is to blame, and both of those decisions were ultimately mine- therefore the entirety of the fault is with me. I shoulder this burden, this blame, this guilt, this regret.
Thanks for clearing up any misunderstanding and killing that flash of hope inside me.

And yet...I still love him. That is unchanging and unconditional.

Hope, Like a Lightening Bug

So the weekend brought Independence Day and three phone calls from David. One was Friday afternoon for a check on what of my stuff in our apartment I needed mailed to me rather than packed away, one Saturday to wish me a happy fourth, and another later that evening to tell me about a labradoodle. The last call was so achingly normal.

I glean a bit of hope from his calls. I am sure he doesn’t intend it to happen, but it does and I hang onto that hope. If we are really meant to be together (and who decides these meant to be, anyways?) then we will get through this at some point and be together. I know it is incessantly repetitive to say that I love him, but I do.

Maybe it is the LDS gene, but the way it goes in my head is like witnessing a fast and testimony meeting.

“I would like to bear my testimony that I believe in DCS. I believe that he and I are meant for each other. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my love for him is true and strong. I have committed transgressions against him, both directly and by omission, but I know that a second chance would prove that I would not take him for granted ever again. I love him and believe in him. When he though he family didn’t believe in him, I did. When he though he had no friends, I was his friend. When he didn’t think his new friends loved him wholly, I loved him wholly. I respect, adore, and love DCS. Even in the darkest nights he gives me now, I love him. Even when he is hurting me worse than I have ever been hurt in my life, I am loving him. I have a seed of hope within me that fuels my life. DCS is my past and my future, and I would trade anything if he let himself feel that way again. I say these things in the name of all the love inside me, Amen.”

It even comes with the required LDS bawling. I wish we could just jot back to normal. It seems cruelly unfair that I am being punished like this. Let’s trace it back. Break up because I have changed and am not someone he could be with anymore. Why have I changed? Because I have been clinically depressed for a year? Why? Because of Depo Provera. Everyone I know has had this depression side effect, but I thought that it wouldn’t get me. It did. And even though I have already been punished by a year of depression, I am further punished by losing David. And I took the Depo for him, so we didn’t have a baby before we were ready. Ironic?

Take medication for boy. Suffer awful side effect of medication. Lose boy due to side effect. Potentially knocked up anyway. Nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel like me, only to get hit with this DCS issue. I feel an optimism for myself and life that I haven't felt for such a seemingly long time. The fact that I can feel any optimism in a time this dark is evidence to that damn Depo leaching from my system.

I am still too chicken to get a preggers test. I don't want to find out I am not pregnant as equally as I don't want to find out that I am. What a crazy universe it is turning out to be.

BOK

Still too chicken to go get a preggers test. Bok Bok bok

And it might be later than I thought. Too bad I didn't keep track of that silly.

DCS was nice enough to call me Wednesday night. Just to say the same things all over again. Could he tell that I felt hopeful that day, that I hadn't cried all day, so he called me just to step on me again? That is what it feels like. I love him so much and he just doesn't. He says he loves me and he hurts, and that he wants...but he won't do it, he doesn't believe that we are the right people for each other anymore. I miss him so much. He won't even consider a break and reevaluation later. He said that would be unfairly string me along. It is a nothing. period.
Speaking of which, still nothing on that period front.

I miss him. I love him so much and he seems only to care to point out to me that he is over us. He is telling people that we broke up now, that he is "re-released" into the wild. I had a bit of hope pinned on the idea that he was just telling people we were in a rough spot, but no more.
An hour and a half of me begging and him telling me no. Why would he call me up just to say everything that he knows breaks my heart? That seems deliberately cruel. Again, though, there was just enough turn of phrase that made me hopeful even though he said there was no hope. How can there be no hope? How can he turn off like that? How can he go from forever to never in a flash?

He said that he is where I was when we met, hurt, heartbroken and distrusting of love and relationships. But I still gave him that chance back then. He won't give me that chance now.
He promised me that he would never hurt me, never leave me and he promised me that he would guard well my heart.

Why would he call me up, just to say he had no change of heart? Maybe he likes the power he holds over me. Why would he do something that the only outcome is to hurt me?
I would rather feel the emptiness of my stomach than the emptiness of my heart.
I have a lump the size of Texas in my throat and an elephant on my chest. Looks like today is gonna be a bad one.