We'll be right back after these messages...

Dear gentle readers, I am currently stateside in the land of luddites (read:family) and away from internetland. Please know that you both have been in my thoughts over the holidays and I look forward to returning to writing about my adventures in the second week of January.

Happy Holidays.

"You're just an empty cage if you kill the bird."

So, I think the anti-crazy pills are great and horrid. I have never felt more apathetic and removed from my own self. It is this weird out of body experience. Like watching me stumble through the motions of a life I used to once live. Odd, but interesting all at the same time. Of course the logical thing would be to go to a doctor and get a different brand of anti-crazies, but since I didn't even do that for this batch, the chance of that is pretty slim. Besides it is intellectually interesting, the remoteness I mean. The great part is the numb feeling, the apathy. It does pull me away from the all encompassing darkness of drowning in DCS despair. So that is a good thing, I reckon.

Apathy even to writing my observations on life, here. So I guess I need to schedule it in, since the impulse has been chemically removed.

It pulls up the valleys of emotions, but it also stunts the spikes upwards too. What I would give to laugh, to feel happiness and joy. (Granted- I know that I wasn't that much inclined towards it before the anticrazies)

Upside? Depression (still hate that word) is the best diet known to man (or me, anyway.) The one thing that brings me positive emotion lately? The morning scale routine. Hey look! I am losing weight. woohoo. Of course my clothes don't fit. My two readers and I could all three fit in my pants. Party in Kc's pants! Still, it got a satisfied smile this morning. (Realizing this is a whole other can of shrink couch worms)It is nice to have even a half ass control over something in my life, even if it just my pants. (Not that I am actually controlling anything, just not hungry...for 7 months.)

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Thesis Update:
Thank God for method. Finally! I think that I have devised a method for this next step. Had some problems with combinations of densities and multiplicative/additive powers and weighted v. unweighted averages, but think things are on a roll now. In fact, I have produced my first Cross-Shelf Habitat Framework for an acanthurid species. Adult, Juvenile, and Early Juvenile. Yay! All I have to do is quartile the densities and shade them in and I have my first appendix entry. Please feel free to sigh with relief with me. (sigh) Thank you. The Holiday break will be filled with doing the other 90.

20 days

20 days until my birthday. 27. The year that was supposed to be my best yet. The year of graduation and wedding and moving home. Well- graduation anyway, right?

And 18 days until I go home. This will be the first time I have gone home for Christmas in about 7 years. Sure- I would go for a few days, but when I went home it was to mine and DCS's place these past few years. So a month at my mom's house. Yikes.

And DCS called. A few times. And emailed. I haven't been talking, in general. But I did once, on Tuesday. He wants to see me. I didn't tell him I was coming home. *sigh*

Cashed in on my Florida v. Florida State bet winnings. Rent, sushi dinner and a lovely afternoon with my friend Tony.

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Thesis Update: Had a meeting with my professor, productive. Now just plodding through some stuff. Meeting with labmate to talk math this weekend. Trying to get everything geared up to be productive while away in Florida. And the semester is closing down on my other program. Just have to tidy up my term paper, watch some class and one more exam.

And my other labmate freind just defended his thesis. It will be weird and sad to not have him around next year.