Alternating Current

I am alternately:

1. drained and over this entire crap-fest of a summer and excited, forward looking and hopeful about this weekend (okay, this Saturday.)
2. heartbroken about the loss of Bump and "bucked" up by the thought of nature righting mistakes on its own. And having a baby with DCS when we are really strong and better prepared.
3. excited to be done with DC and sad to see this time go and have to return to the island.
4. scared about the DCS and hopeful/excited about the DCS.

I also have this great quote to share which perfectly sums up the way I make decisions:

"When making a decision of minor importance,
I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons.
In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession,
the decision should come from the unconscious,
from somewhere within ourselves.
In the important decision of personal life,
we should be governed,
I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature"
-Sigmund Freud

Bye Bye Bump

Fuck the clinic that implied I was overreacting.
Fuck the receptionist/nurse who said I shouldn't come in.
Fuck everyone who told me last week that bleeding is normal.
And fuck me for not going with my gut.

Daydream Believer

Remember this?

"I have this vision, this dream, where he shows up here in DC, unexpectedly, a surprise. An apology, a flurry of "I love yous" and "what a fool I've been" and "Forgive me" and "thank goodness you have such strong love and faith and belief in us." Then a beautiful night out in the big city ending with a reproposal. Or an afternoon river trip to Mt Vernon and doing it there. Romance, adoration, commitment, respect, love. (sigh)I live in a parallel universe called "ideal" in my head."

.

So I have been thinking about what would my ideal be for the situation of this weekend's visit.

(Yes, I am playing in the recess of my day dreams rather than slogging through the paranoia of dissecting what the nurse meant when I called the clinic for an appointment yesterday and she said to come in tomorrow (today) because the "girl who is better at that type of thing will be in tomorrow." Better at what? I told her about the bleeding at the beginning of last week and the spotting over the weekend. They either have a "let them down easy" or a "how to deal with hysterical (though I think I am rather calm about this) first timers" nurse specialty. Be calm, it is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Everyone bleeds. Women bleed all the time. My mom bled the whole way through 4 pregnancies. Everyone on the internet bleeds too. The Dr. probably bled. Calm. Calm. Calm. Tranquilo.)

.

So hence the preoccupation of living in my daydream world instead. It is a little lighter, nicer, rosier place in comparison to the hysteria I trap in my head (rather than let out so everyone can see how overwraught and unreasonable I am about this.)

.

So fantasy world:

1. He will know that he needs to re-woo me. To court me again. To try to off set that huge betrayal, that hurt he caused. And he will do the necessary things, not just know them.
2. DCS prepares for DC visit by having flowers delivered with a warm, hopeful note saying how much he is looking forward to the visit.
3. DCS comes to visit me in DC (this is the only factual part of my fantasy world.)
4. Fantastic running into each others' arms at the meeting.
5. Him hugging and kissing me, crying that he has been a fool, apologizing, and asking to be back together.
6. Night of soft chatter and great sex.
7. A leisurely Saturday morning or more great sex and connecting communication.
8. Strolling through the National Gallery of Art or up to the Capitol or on a day cruise to Mt Vernon Saturday day.
9. Metro back to the condo together to shower and get gussied up for a swanky, swinging dinner in the district (ideas for great dinner places?)
10. At my metro stop he will impulsively buy a clutch of roses from the bucket rose guy to give me and ask me out to dinner (and pretend that we weren't already planning dining out!)
11. Magically (magically, because I don't want to carry a bag with a change of clothes) change from gussied up dinner clothes to jeans and a sweater and strolling shoes (because it will also be a perfectly cool, not sweltering evening) to stroll by the Jefferson Memorial and lounge beneath the Washington Memorial all lit up at night.
12. Then he will roll over off his back onto one knee and proclaim his love for me and re-propose in a charmingly romantic manner that will make for a perfect memory/story to tell and remember and place my grandmother's ring back on my left hand.
13. After the proposal when we are chatting excitedly about the future and our love again, he will ask me to move back to the country, and I will say yes.
14. He will ask me to move in with him into the swanky downtown apartment we found together, and I will say yes.
15. Then we will plan all the logistics of moving home, setting up a new home again together, laughing, loving, planning the wedding again.
16. Mind if I insert some more great sex here?
17. When he leaves (at 4 am to catch his 6 am flight) Sunday morning he will leave a beautiful, long, love letter on his pillow with one of the roses he has drawn out from the vase.

This is the daydream I have gathered around my arms and shoulders and have buried my face in, like a soft, old, well-loved blanket.

Guess what?!

So DCS is coming up to DC to see me this weekend. Yay! I told him that he needn't bother if it was just going to be more bad or hurtful. He said he wouldn't come if that was his intention. I have my hopes up and my fingers crossed. It is a whirlwind visit too. Coming in Friday night, late, and leaving Sunday morning, early. But one GLORIOUS Saturday.

Keep your fingers crossed with me.

Best Case Scenario

So I have a "Best Case Scenario" in my head. It is my ideal, my plan. It doesn't always have a reflection in reality.

This is what my Grand Plan was. I will have to come up with another one, I reckon.

Summer 2005 - DC
Fall 2005 - Move back to FL when I come home for DCS's sister wedding, write thesis in FL
Holidays 2005 - Thesis Draft
Spring 2006 - Thesis Defense
1 April 2006 - DCS-Kc Wedding
2006 - find and buy fixer house in Jax
May 2006 - Graduation, Grad Program I
August 2006 - Finish Grad Program II
January 2007-December 2007- DC Sea Grant Fellow
May/June 2008 - Baby, move back to FL
2008-on - Live happily ever after (i.e. find rocking job, renovate/restore home, love and be loved by DCS and have a really well behaved offspring that is crazy about us.)

It was all going to fit so well together, I thought.

Ah well, the best laid plans of mice and men...

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!! (in used car sale voice)

Cotton, Beauregard, Lee, Jackson, Clayton, Clinton, Cletus (NO!), Houston...

Any other southern male name suggestions?

As for the right thing... the right thing is for him to decide to be with me for me. Nobody else.

Little more than a week until I have to start living for myself only.

Little concerned that I started bleeding again, going to make an apt. at the clinic, even though they just think I am overhysterical about it.

The Name Game

Boy = Chase Chambers (meaning: Chase=Hunter, Chambers=DCS old family name)
Girl = Bailey Clarke (meaning: Bailey=able, Clarke=scholar, DCS old family name)

Isn't giving a name so powerful? This will be worn for a lifetime. It is like a fairy godmother bringing gifts. What better gifts can I bestow than that of hunting (because we should all be on the hunt for knowledge and love and adventure and life) and ability and scholarliness (they go hand in hand, ability to do, be, live the knowledge rather than just know it.)

That is my thought.

Sidebar: my real name meaning? Why, "Confuser of men," "One who inflames men with love," and "prophet of doom." Depending on the website/book. How 'bout those for real humdingers?

Back to the Brain

I know that bleeding is normal. I know this. I believe my mother, my Dr., the internet. My irrational running in a circle, screaming "Ai, Ai, Ai," pulling my hair out has ceased. Please ease your mind that the crazy has been beat back into a dark closet in my brain.

Things are coming to a close with my Washington, DC detail. Another two weeks to go. Flown by! I am tidying up my white paper and planning my last few archives days, humping up a presentation, and getting all those ducks in a row.

Does anyone out there in the world at large believe in jinxing? Or self-fulfilling concern or psychosomatic symptoms? Meaning: If you think on something too long can/will it suddenly actualize itself? I wonder about this.

And in a similar vein: How can you tell premonitions/intuition from unwarranted concern, obsessive thought or paranoia? Seems like they are only differentiated after the fact. That being my thought, how can you act on your premonition or intuition?

I pick you

Spotting. Am scared.

Was v. Is

Just to set the record straight, DCS was that guy that every girl dreamt about. I have spent years with a romantic, loving, seemingly perfect fellow.

The taking for granted and junk that I write about is all really a very new development. unfortunately.

One week down, two to go

So this weekend DCS went to Atlanta to visit with the fam. And of course fam = him not calling me. Even during the best of times it was that way. He doesn't seem to get that it hurts me when he blatantly ignores me for them. He doesn't want to have to choose between us, and that isn't a choice I am requiring, but when he ignores me for them, it feels like he is choosing them over me. He has no idea of words versus actions. He says I am the most important and he loves me, etc. Actions say other things (they say that too.)

He is king of mixed signals. One week down, two to go. No change in status. Anyone care to take bets that he will try to push the envelope? call my bluff? See how far he can roll over me? I hate that it feels like he is doing that. Two freaking measly weeks to decide if it is game on or off. And I get no part of that decision, no power to aid my own campaign, no ability to make what I want, happen.

I live in this world of not getting enough oxygen in my shortened breaths. Not enough sleep in my sleepless nights.

I love him so much, but he drives me crazy.

I have this vision, this dream, where he shows up here in DC, unexpectedly, a surprise. An apology, a flurry of "I love yous" and "what a fool I've been" and "Forgive me" and "thank goodness you have such strong love and faith and belief in us." Then a beautiful night out in the big city ending with a reproposal. Or an afternoon river trip to Mt Vernon and doing it there. Romance, adoration, commitment, respect, love. (sigh)

I live in a parallel universe called "ideal" in my head.

Thought for the Moment

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire - it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."
Rochembeau (sp?)

Luddite Question

So, anyone care to tell me how I make a list in the side bar? Not a list of links(like I have), just a list?

I want to list books, rather than link them, I think.

Thanks for any help you can give this nomadic luddite wandering in the dessert of HTML without a canteen of tech savvy.

The Lay of the Land

To clarify: I have told DCS that I won't be living with a man again before marriage or having that pretty damn quick afterwards. None of this trial marriage/shack up thing for me, especially if I am moving back to the country for it. And I told him that I could forgive a great many things, but I would not be able to forgive if he lost my grandmother's ring, and he knows that for truth.

So I hate doing ultimatums, but I told him that I wouldn't be moving in with him without the commitment of marriage and that I would have to decide one way or the other by the end of August/beginning of September. So it will either gell together well in the next three weeks, or I have to re-evaluate my life and plans and move on alone with Bump to figure out this newness.

So a funny thing came up this weekend (might be pretty mundane to the world at large, but amusing to me.) Four years ago, before we started dating, I was working in the Keys and bought DCS a silver dive/surf/water sports watch to give him for the following Christmas. I did give it to him, he wears it when he dresses up. So he 'fessed up this past weekend that a couple of years ago he lost the watch while we were in Charleston. Then bought a new one online to replace it quick so he didn't have to admit that he lost my gift. He said it so guiltily too... It was cute that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and had replaced it exactly (thank goodness he kept the box!)

My hand feels so naked without my ring. I wish I could take a picture of it for HNT. there is a little tiny white line and dent around my finger where it used to be.

The BIG weekend with DCS

Last weekend was the full contact time with DCS. I drove from southwest Florida Thursday night to my mom's and then met up with DCS after he got out of work Friday evening. It was a weekend of a lot of hugging and holding, crying and laughing, happiness and disappointment, but feeling hopeful at the end.

Friday night we did a retro date, like we use to do when we first got together. Chinese takeout under the stars (ok clouds) on the beach. Nice. Very nice. Then the next day we walked around downtown and he showed me where he works now and the places we have been looking at for an apartment. He wanted me to see the area and to have input on the house decision since that is the direction we are headed again. We looked at the model and available apartment in one and the outside of two more. I love them. One is night next to the public library and the other two are a block away, and there is a great park nearby. He mentioned that work was close enough to walk to, or to walk home for lunch with me. The apartments that we looked at have great windows and are really edgy and modern, but retaining a wonderful old Florida feel through the windows and architectural design. Then we went to the beach again for lunch, a nap and then dinner at a great restaurant on the IntraCoastal. Movie rental and quiet evening.

Sunday was a trip down to St. Augustine to galleries to talk about the type of art we wanted in the house (thank goodness there are so many windows that it isn't too much space to fill) and then lunch at a place we always looked at.

It sounds like things are great, huh? but all the good parts and future planning again feel very iffy to me. I want so much to see it happen, but part of me thinks it is a castle in the clouds type thing.

All the wedding stuff for his sister's wedding was out in the house, and there was a couple planning their wedding reception at lunch yesterday, and the tears just come. No stopping them.
Yesterday ended with a talk in the park before my flight. I told him that I would be deciding one way or the other in three weeks when I return from DC to the Caribbean (not in an ultimatum manner or pressuring or deadline, just in a "you should know what I am thinking" manner.) And I gave him back the engagement ring (which was my grandmother's wedding band) and told him that he could make good on it or to drop it (insured) back in the mail to my mother.

I hate feeling so powerless, so waiting for him, but that is all I can do. Let him know that I love him and believe in him, us. Assure him that I do. Work on forgiving him for hurting me and wait.

Wait for a while more, anyway.

Muckety-Muck In the Field

I work, right now, with the National Wildlife Refuge system. Wild places for wild animals. A great agency. I visited one refuge in the field. Amazing people to work with and out there on the ground caring for the resources of our nation.

I was able to visit a southwest Florida refuge and seine for fish in a fish sampling effort and kayak through mangrove forests and see first hand the hurricane damage of last year's storms, talk management and policy with refuge managers and how they translate from congressional orders and agency to actual workload on staffers. I was also able to tag along and watch an environmental educator for the refuge work her magic with children and adults alike. It takes a special type of educator to actively engage a group from 3 years old to senior citizens.

I count myself very lucky to have been able to do this last week and am very appreciative of the amazing experience I have had.

Thank you Ding Darling.

(and they even considered me a DC muckety-muck with the accompanying treatment. That was cool)

and I talked every evening with DCS and talked out the events of the weekend before (as well as the big issue.)

CRASH

So, I flew into Florida a weekend early and stayed a weekend late around the week I needed to be in the field. Mostly to see DCS.

I flew in and got my rental (a Barney colored PT Cruiser thanks to the chap that liked me at the desk and decided I needed more flair than a white Neon) and then drove out to the ball park to pick up DCS from a work outing to a ball game. The plan - to have dinner and hang out for a bit before I left to go stay with my mom for the that weekend.

Seeing him in person after all this mess was simply awkward and terrible and wonderful and painful and amazing all together. At times I couldn't breathe and my hand shake (did I mention that my right hand has taken on the Parkinson's like shake since the stress levels elevated?) was on. And he had a bruise on his neck that any woman would call a hickey - which I did. Which he denied (I really don't think he sees other women.) But a hickey is really hard to refute, so then I decided to screw dinner and leave, but I didn't. We went to a place on the river, but I had no appetite. I love crying in public too - makes me feel like I have a firm grasp on my mental stability. But then at the end we were chatting a laughing. It was nice.

Cut away to the parking lot. Cute - him swinging me around and hugging me and kissing me.

DCS "So did you end up getting the same cell phone as me?"
Kc taking phone off his belt to see" Lemme see"
DCS freaking out "give it back...AAAA...(temper tantrum)...."
Kc getting into car, given phone back "What is your issue? what are you hiding?"
In car driving DCS "Nothing, you always make a big deal out of everything"
Kc taking phone again "what is up with this phone that you don't want me to see so badly?"]
DCS reaching for phone, not watching road, CRASHES.

Whatever was so important to him was so bad or so something that he actually CRASHED the car.

Needless to say, I am screaming and sobbing at him "What is your problem? what are you hiding that is so much more important than driving? You CRASHED! What are you hiding? You CRASHED! CRASHED!"

So he investigates, finds it just a demolished tire and sets out to change it. I sob in the car (he took the phone with him, by the way to change the tire and keep it from me.) then I get over it and him. I realize that my car is just over the river and a few miles away. I get my reticule, and leave. Walk over the bridge and a few miles, get in my Barneymobile and leave. He calls I meet him on the way out of town to hand off his parking decal.

He says he's sorry, I am furious and hurt, and shaken, and everything. this is not going according to the plan in my head.

I tell him to get his shit straight and that I can't deal with his issues right now. I tell him to get his ducks in a row or I am not visiting the following weekend (which we planned to stay together and catch up and fix up things.)

then to a weekend hanging out with my mom. That part was nice.