Month in - Report

So I have been "home" for about a month now. The ease of relationship hasn't appeared. In fact, I don't understand - she loves him, he loves her; but it just isn't working somehow. I hate that I can't even detail what is wrong to address solutions, and neither can he, it seems. I hate that our relationship has become the proverbial elephant in the room. I don't know what to do. I am so tired of being unhappy. Tired of everything else in my life being fine, and the part I want most to be great - being the worst.

If I stay, I am unhappy. If I leave, I am unhappy. There is no winning.

If you say that I will get over it sooner if I leave sooner, and this happens to everyone, I will reach through the screen and rip your carotid artery from your neck with my bare teeth.

The whole play house until it is real again isn't working and I want it to work, he wants it to work, it just isn't. And I don't know what to do.

I am so scared. Scared of losing him. Scared of losing myself.

Counting Good Things

1. Did I mention that I got the more prestigious part of an already prestigious fellowship? I just found that little snippet out last week. Only ten peeps out of the whole world get picked for it each year. I am one of those peeps this year. hoorah

2. So I now have a second hand kayak that will be really fun as soon as I acquire a paddle!


3. I have outlined what remains to be done on the old thesis and have ticked of many of the targets. Pheew!

4. El Gato has been retrieved. Kc and DCS and El Gato make three. It's nice to have him around - okay under the bed anyway...


I just wish I felt more joy and happiness in these things. I am not depressed, life just feels so tenuous and uncertain. Seems to negate the joy of these really effing cool things I have just done or am doing or achieved. I wish there was a guaranteed non fiction book: "How to find Peace and Happiness that You Misplaced One Day"


Join me in Saving Science Friday and Snuffleupagus:
http://civic.moveon.org/publicbroadcasting/

Yak. Attack.

So I fear that I am falling into that trap of never finishing once a person returns home from grad school pre-final finish. I hate that idea too. Motivation is at all new lows. I can't seem to get my garbage together to finish. I just stare and stare and stare at it. This is all a bad thing.

On a side note, I was contacted by the fellowship people if I would be interested in a certain part of the fellowship that is even more prestigious than the what I got already. I am stoked there. I didn't tell them about my lack of motivation.

Put in an appy to a dream (ish) job here in town working at a GREAT conservation place. Having concerns about taking it KNOWING that I will be ducking out in 8 months to rule the world from DC. The concern is that it is a place I would like to work at when I return. I would hate to burn that bridge by leaving. Care to throw in your ideas on this one?

Finally unpacked at the house.

Things are mellowing out with the boy.

Coming to terms with moving away from my great house and my great JEEP and my life to his (our) house, his (our) car, etc.

Bringing a kayak to live with me. Picking it up this weekend. Looking forward to that. It will finish all my funds (read: traded my JEEP for a kayak, that is how little I got for my JEEP,) and I am looking forward to it. After research I decided which one I wanted and found out when I told DCS, that was the one he ordered and was at his folks' house. Mine is, of course, not ordered new. Pre-loved. Red. Little Red Riding Yak.

Drafting small goals for the final revisions. Maybe ticking things off a list will help. Maybe freezing my wireless card will help.

My life needs some structure.

On a side note, I am completely stoked for my girlfriend Chel who just received notice that her designer Asian baby is ready to leave the Cabbage patch! Mr.Chel retrieves her in a month! My other girlfriend Shells is almost done with her house, okay...Mr.Shells is almost done with their house! A typing ovation for the girlfriends that sound like exoskeletons!

Lurching along,
Kc