What Hapened!?!?

Well, I guess it is simple. DCS and I called off the engagement and we broke up. I’d like to say that we’re fine, don’t worry – it’s for the best, but in reality, I don’t think so. I am having a hard time living my life without this man in it. This man that I have known and loved for the past four years of my life has decided that we aren’t compatible and it would be better if we weren’t together. After just recently coming around to the idea of breeding with this fellow, I feel that not only has my life-long companion, my “helper-mate” been taken from me, but also a little boy name Chase that existed only in our hearts and dreams. We have, apparently, grown apart in our extended time living apart.

This isn’t the feel-good-stay-friends break up, nor is it the screaming-I-hate-you break up. This is the nothing-really-went-wrong-but-nothing-is-somehow-right, right now type of break up. The kind that leaves you baffled and confused. Leaves both parties baffled and confused. A senseless loss of in-love, like a story of a person subjected to a drive by shooting. Love became an innocent bystander to this drive by shooting of a break up.

Hawaii is bad for couples. Colorado is bad for relationships.

Colorado dealt me a bad hand. Colorado went in with a “let’s have an open honest discussion and fix things” and came out with an “it’s over, because I want you to be happy.” Excuse me, where in the world did you ever pick up that I would be happier without you?

We never even had a song that was “our song.” Maybe that should have been a sign?

He thinks this is based on two different people with different desires and values. But in reality, we haven’t talked in so long about what we really want that there is no way of knowing if our values and life dreams line up or not. They used to. I think they might still. We have both evolved and changed over these past four years, but somehow we have retained a picture of what the other said they wanted at the very beginning. To bad we didn’t see that the other’s desires and goals were changing. Sometimes changing to align better with the other person’s. I am sad and angry, disappointed and betrayed. How can a man go from forever to never in a blink of the eye? I have been in the same relationship and know what has been happening, but I am willing to really get down to brass tacks on this and work it out. That is what I thought marriage (and this engagement) was about – two people committed to making it work. Period.

I love him and am willing to work it out. But it is impossible to do so one-sided.

I want him to be happy. And apparently he will be happy if his life doesn’t include me. That is hard to swallow. Very.

I am not at the point of saying that I know that I will get over this, that somewhere out there is a real man that can handle the mature adult relationship aspects of communication and will love me wholly, but I know that is what everyone will tell me. Don’t bother; I’ve already said it for you. Yes, yes. I am a beautiful, smart, amazing woman deserving of the love of a man that can see all that, blah, blah, blah. Please, that isn’t where I am right now. I am existing, barely, by holding onto a thread of misplaced sanity granted by my voice mail.

How many times can I check my email just to see that he hasn’t written? Or my voicemail, just to see that he hasn’t called. I am stalking myself in this masochist torture.

Holding onto a voice mail message from a week ago say he isn’t advocating a break up, and that he loves me. Even if it isn’t true now, I can listen to it in his own words and voice. I wish I knew how to save it, so that the Sprint system wouldn’t erase it in a few days/weeks, who knows when they do. But they do. It is one 25 second blurb from the man that used to be in love with me. It is what keeps me going, even if it isn’t true. I can lie to myself.

I know that if this is gone through with that I will always carry a scar with his initials on my heart, and every man I meet in the future will shake his head and damn the man that ruined this fine woman.

I am not “that girl.” You know who she is, that sad, depressed, and can’t get over some man type. Let me point out that DCS isn’t “some man” (name not changed to protect the innocent, because he is not innocent **update:name changed 14 July 2005 to protect the not-innocent**). Recent action aside, he is the man that other men should strive to be like; the man that I wish had a dozen clones so I could set them up with my girlfriends, the man that was my past, future and one true love. But all I see is an envelopment of darkness on the immediate horizon try as I might to fight it. that girl has taken over with her inability to see anything but this haze, this complete vacancy of self. My mind is filled with uncharacteristic self-destructive thoughts that I can’t banish. My self-worth shot, confidence fled, and heart broken.

And yet through this I fight with an equal weighed feeling of gratitude for having known DCS and regret that I had anything to do with anything that has led to this. Thank you for being amazing, lovely, caring, watchful and loving. Damn you for being spineless, cowardly and ungentlemanly. Thank you for the past years, but I wish I could forget them all and you, so I don’t hurt the way I do.

I hope that you find that happiness you are so sure will fill your life as soon as you expel me from it. I hope that you find that center. I hope your life is nothing but wonderful.
I loved you. I love you. I fear that I will always love you.