Point of Clarification
VJ -I agree with the most real time comment, but I think that there is part of this situation that I have left out. I have lived full time out of the country for a few years now. That makes is VERY difficult, and a very real distraction. Not excusing his behavior - because there is no excuse, just a fuller picture.
I agree with the growing up part. I have always known that. I hope that this point in his life he can realize that this is his opportunity, but that I don't want to be the trial ground for him to grow up on. I want to grow together with him, but not to be the training ground.
I REALLY hope that he will learn from this that his actions and words carry great weight with those he loves. I am not guiltless in that subject, but I know that I have already personalized that lesson from this situation. For sure.
He does want to marry. He does want to marry me. (and please don't read that like I am "that" girl." I am not fooling myself at all. I know this man very well.) We have serious communication problems. In terms of style. He is an INFJ and I am a ENTJ, he is a "harmonious/communicator" and I am a "cognitive/action behaviorist." Those have greatly different communication styles when dealing with issues and stress. And realizing this and how to manage it will really help us. (Please know that this isn't therapy babble, but library research)
And time apart has been too difficult for us. We both thought we could make it, but it has strained our relationship to this point. We are both reflecting now on how to communicate in a manner that is going to be beneficial and understandable to the other without compromising our own person. That is the hard part, how to compromise with another person, but not compromise your own person.
I had a good giggle about the trial marriage and engagements long enough for royalty! I agree whole heartedly. My rules are all based in my own real life. And then my decision on how to preemptively manage situations like that in the future. There is wiggle room in them, I reckon.
For as much insight that I feel I have in relationships right now, I feel like I should be a therapist. HAH! Kind of like that teacher insult: Those who can, do. Those who can't, instruct.
These are the thoughts of this morning.
copyright Kc @ 8:19 AM
2 Comments:
Well thanks K, for introducing me to yet another personality typology. If you live long enough they'll seem like seasonal salad dressings to you. As in 'Oh, that's sort of a Ranch with bacon in it' or 'That's the lite Ceasar w/o eggs'. But I've always been wary of Jung, even if he was highly entertaining. (Funnier on film too).
Communication is always very important. And perhaps it takes a long while to get your styles down pat. But in this day and age we are positively saturated with communication technology. The guys in Iraq, when they can hook up, can have instant communication with momma in Dubuque, sis in Albuquerque, and the spouse or honey in Laredo. Sailors, once traditionally isolated on the seas for months at a time, now have cell phone contact with the smallest villages in Indonesia. It's a wholly different world than it was even 10-15 years ago.
Distance can certainly strain any relationship, but once upon a time it was the exact time to develop some skills in expressing how you feel in print, song, story or rhyme. (No, really!). The touching stories and love notes, and yes even poetry that have erased the distance between loved ones the world over during times of strife and separation have contributed much to good literature for eons. Poetry is being re-created by solid, lonely and heart sick 'grunts' on the ground in Iraq. (There's no telling what you might be doing w/o a TV set or regular Net access).
So you are not alone in this, it's not at all uncommon. If he choses to, he can well learn how to express his feelings to and for you. All it takes is some time and a bit of practice.
This is not rocket science either. It does not need an N stage psychological typology to explain things. Illiterate plow boys from TN were doing it about 140 years ago during the Civil War (See The Diary of Sam Watkins). A generation or 2 later shop clerks with 6th grade educations were writing back to the 'states about saving France for the first time. 20 years on from that their younger brothers, only some of whom ever graduated HS, were writing tender and romantic missives to their honeys in MISS. They were a world and many weeks away, and yet some of them, including Eisenhower himself, wrote to their dears almost every day. And it wasn't just 'What-cha doing?'
So I'm glad your both working on the communication bit. Understanding and respecting each other in the relationship is difficult and crucial, but it's nothing that needs a higher degree, (at least not Most of the time, for most purposes). From the outside looking in, people might suspect that something larger is being missed, but he's your project, not ours. If it's truly a lasting love the distance need not be an impediment.
If there is a danger that you or he are 'growing apart' you need to arrange to see each other more often, if possible. (Most of the time this is about a $250 round trip ticket for most venues <6K distant). The modern age makes all this so much easier, should if the will is still there.
I too really love happy endings and am an incurable romantic, after a fashion. So I'm hoping for a happy ending & beginning for you too, with or w/o this Mr. Difficult or indifferent. I know you love him with all your heart, and yet I also know that sometimes that's just not enough. It might even be the case that he wants to marry you, and it won't be enough for him then either.
These are all critical things to learn before too many years go by and a youth of wasted possibilities chasing after your first elusive love. It's far better to figure this all out now, no matter the drama, than wait for a few years and be doing it around a cold kitchen in winter with a few hungry kids, an empty larder (OK Fridge), and a broken house, health and lost sanity.
At the moment it's just all some lost and excitable electrons.
Cheers & Good Luck K! 'VJ'
Not my elusive first love. I have been there, then grew up and moved on. that moving on brought me to DCS and the place we are now. I am his first love though. He is my "one true love."
I would rather the happily ever after than the starving kids, empty larder routine...
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