And he became me, and I became he

So life is irony. The more I am around, the more I realize this. What makes me think that today? Well, I realized that I became what DCS wanted me to be, and he became what I wanted him to be. Unfortunately this leaves a gaping gulf between us still. And that "what we wanted" the other to be, was based off of characteristics from many years ago.

Kc- used to be very independent and free wheeling. Didn't need a man, but enjoyed sharing sections of her life with men. Highly opinionated, strong. Wanted a man that didn't "need" her but chose to be with her. Wanted relationship where each were complete beings that were with each other, but not too lovey dovey, syrupy crap.

DCS - used to be very romantic and persistent in pursuing what he wanted. This was in me and in job/school etc. Used to woo me. Wanted a girl to need him and to need a girl. Wanted a wife, a mother for his children (yet to be had), wanted a grand love affair, worthy of sonnets. He used to be and do all of those things centered around me and us.

Now = Kc wants that grand love affair, wants to marry the man she fell so hard for, believed all his desires for intense committed relations. DCS wants a laid back casual relationship. Doesn't want to have to exert any effort for anything, me nor work. Wants the perfect life handed to him, doesn't want to plan anything. Doesn't want to be responsible for making me happy (but won't take responsibility for making me sad, either)

What do I want? REALLY? I want a man to woo me, to court me, to not take me for granted. I want a man that makes me a priority, the highest priority. I want a man that welcomes me in every aspect of his life (including his sister's wedding.) I want a man that lets me make myself happy, that doesn't make me cry everyday. I want to feel secure and certain in our relationship. I want a man that I can talk intellectually with, do crafty things with, laugh and have fun with, travel with. But most importantly, one that loves me above all others like I do him, and makes it known through his everyday actions and special grand gestures. That seems so...pedestrian...so normal...and yet it seems like I am asking for too much when I put it into view of the "new" DCS.

But when it all comes down to it? I yearn to go home to him, my heart leaps when the phone rings, I scour my electronic mail inbox for any note from him, I hurry to check my postox for the same. I miss him with every fiber and love him with every breath. (And hope with every silent prayer and mantra that this is just a phase and the DCS I know and fell in love with will return one day soon and love me the way he used to and the way I deserve to be loved.)


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Thesis update: I was dome with my data analysis, but was missing a few transects. I was VERY happy about being at that point and looking forward to writing off those missing ones. Unfortunately, I found some of the missing data this morning. Darn it all. so back working all the data through the Matrix. The end, is still in sight though!

Oatmeal

So I feel like oatmeal. You know, bland, beige, lumpy, tasteless. That is how my life feels. Really. I don't really know how to change it from that either. I am of the school of thought, that if you don't like something, change it to something you do like. Find the problem, fix the problem. However this time, the problem to be fixed, isn't in my hands. So I can't fix it.

Of course I am talking about DCS.

You know right now, this is the weekend he said he would be down for a visit in. As in, "I will visit in September, then you come up for the wedding in October, then I'll come down in Novemeber for Thanksgiving and then you move home in Decemeber." Except he isn't here in September, and I think I have been uninvited to the wedding (But he can't just say "No" he has to dress it up and beat around the bush but not actually say no). And yet, stupidly, I am still filled with hope and love and wanting to be with this man. Who lies to me. Or at least can't keep his word to me.

God, I remember him, years ago, when he was CRAZY in love with me. He would walk to the ends of the earth for me glancing in his direction. He wanted an intense hypercommitted relationship from the get go, I wanted a laid back dating thing, of course he got his way, and I bought into the program (like Amway) and now he wants the laid back casual dating thing, and I am stuck wanting, really wanting that committed grown up we're getting married type of relationship.

Oatmeal. Mucky lumpy oatmeal. I should be turning fricking cartwheels. I am so close to the end of the most laborius section of my thesis data anylysis that I can touch it, but I have no one to celebrate that milestone with. And I fear that he will snatch my coming home away from me too, at the last moment.

I fear. I live my life in spurts of cold, stomach grasping, breath stealing, tearful fear, and etheral whisps of hope that I am trying to harvest to use as a foundation for my life.

I guess the balance between hope and fear is oatmeal.

Dreams - Langston Hughes

"Hold onto dreams
For if dreams die
Life is like a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."


And suddenly I remember why I am doing what I am doing with DCS.

Grits Fire, Mormons and Print for Today

Background: I interrupted a lot as a child, and got in trouble for it.Once after just being yelled at for it, I was in charge of stirring the grits on the stove while my mother spoke with my grandfather in the yard.

I went out to tell mom something, got the evil death look, you know that one. So after about 5 minutes, she finishes and sweetly asks what I need (and why I wasn't stirring the grits.) Well, the stove and by now the kitchen was on fire. I read something somewhere out there in blogland a few weeks ago that made me think of this. Still giggling!

I was raised LDS. This has had serious implications on my adult life. Example: I love to bake. But it is such a dirty secret that my boyfriend and bestfriend don't let out, because that is too Molly Mormon of me. I can't even admit that I like to bake because that would send the family into a rousing chorus of "Families Can Be Together Forever" and waiting for me to return to the flock "Reverently, Quietly."

I don't think it is a cult. That is very judgmental. Faith is great. Faith of any sort under any auspice. As long as your faith doesn't infringe on my own spirituality or choice. My little brother left for the MTC last week. They convinced him to be excited that he was assigned to Provo. He wanted international so badly. It didn't even cross his mind to turn down the offer, and looked so pitying at me when I suggested it.

Today in the life of Kc (and that is my name, VJ, "Kc" sounds like Casey, no changing names to protect the innocent here.): I took time away from my 8-10-12 hour lab days yesterday to stay at home and sit by the pool and have some time for thoughts.

Thoughts:

1. It is not ridiculous that DCS needs time to grow up, yet also wants time to still act like a kid.
2. I still want to have freedom and chase dreams too. And I want to chase them together with him.
3. Maybe if I can be more receptive and open minded to what he needs that will spur him to be receptive to what I need. This mostly revolves around my need to have a commitment from him before I move back into the country leaving behind my house, and paycheck here for an uncertain relationship. (But you know writing it out makes my concerns feel very valid again...) So I mentioned to him last night that my moving home in December does not need to be perceived as commitment pressure as I will not be requiring a reinstatement of the engagement beforehand.
4. Maybe I am the only one willing to see the other side. Maybe I am the only one willing to bend. How long should I be the only one really in the game?

These were my thoughts.

Dreams

To do before I die:

Be published in a glossy magazine.
Be published in a serious journal.
Write an article for a travel magazine
Go on a balloon ride over the Serengeti
Visit a butterfly conservatory and let a butterfly land on my shoulder. Or my nose.
Hike in Alaska
Support myself as a writer, scientist, pastry chef
Become debt free and stay that way for at least a year
Be able to save more than ten dollars a month
Visit all 50 states

Restore an older home and live in it.
Go skinny dipping in the South of France, in Spain, Italy, Portugal.
Own a cottage with a view of the ocean
Fall deeply in love -- helplessly and unconditionally.
Ask someone I've only just met to go on a date/go out on a date with someone I’ve just met
Kiss the Blarney Stone
Find a four leaf clover
Make love in a bed of flowers
Go parasailing
Visit every continent

Go wine tasting in Italy and in California
Go on an African safari
See the pyramids in Egypt
Sunbathe topless in the Greek Isles
Get married to my soul mate
Kiss atop a Ferris wheel (preferably a double one)
Get high in Amsterdam
Ride in a gondola in Venice
Design a house, see it built and live in it
Get a pastry license
Go to graduate school for a PhD
Dive the Red Sea
Make love in the rain
Love myself unconditionally
Learn how to play pool.

Visit the Berlin Wall.
Visit Paris and eat a croissant in a bistro at the foot of the Eiffel Tower
Learn to play poker
Horseback ride through the west
See Mount Rushmore
Take a cross country road trip
See a ballet in Russia
Camp under the stars in the west with no ambient light. Or Africa
See the Redwood Forest
Visit Niagara Falls

Things I have done, seen and been:

Graduated from college
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Visited the top of the Empire State Building
Slept in an overnight train
Sailed so far in the ocean that no land was in sight
Had a poem published (on the internet)
Saw the Grand Canyon
Went to Disney World
Saw a humpback whale
Lived in a foreign country, alone
Lived in DC
Saw the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and JFK’s eternal flame
Saw the Vietnam memorial, Korea memorial, WWII memorial, Lincoln memorial, Roosevelt memorial, Washington memorial, Jefferson memorial
Moved out on my own
Owned my dream Jeep CJ7
Learned to drive stick
Skinny dipped in glacier melt water in Alaska.
Played for a live audience
White water rafted in Alaska
Swam in the Atlantic Ocean
Swam in the Pacific Ocean
Visited Norway
Made love on the beach
Been engaged
Been unengaged
Fell in love
Had my heart broken

Commentary

VJ, are you a Brit? test match? Is there really professional croquet over there?

I know about the control thing and mama thing, I am just saying that I am going to let it be his burden for a while (Oh I will be the reminding wonder!) I am just tired of doping my body up, you know?

Wedding. Mleh. I don't even see it on the books right now (just in my silly ill placed dreams.) I am concentrating on just having a good relationship with him from afar and working as hard as I can on my data/thesis to get out of here. I honestly believe things will improve infinity-fold when we are back on the same landmass, country, city, house. You know?

Birth Control and Kitten

So I realized that for the first time in almost a decade, I am not chemically altering my body. I got off the pill. I am amazed that my hips seem to be receding, the senseless dark feelings slipping away (now I am only blue for a reason), and (omigod) sex drive. WooWoo!

But my cramps feel like they are trying to make a comeback. Reminding me why I started that darn pill in the first place.

I have been off for four months now and I think this is the way to go (except for that whole oopsy-pregnant part.) So after years of taking all the responsibility for birth control, I am handing control (ok, maybe some at least) to DCS. Ok, not all, but I am definitely sharing that responsibility.

He is in Chicago and caught a Cubs game last night.

Someone dumped a kitten at our back door the other night, and of course it won't leave. And Canada is feeding it, so it really won't leave. It looks like a mini Skeeter (my cat) and of course I am such a sucker. I took it to the vet today to check for communicable parasites and disease and to check on a limp. the limp shifts from leg to leg, so Deborah the vet, is keeping this sata (stray) gata with her for the day to look into it.

I am listening to the Forest Gump soundtrack. What about you?

Aren't weddings supposed to be fun?

Background: DCS sister is getting married Oct 9 in S. Carolina. Old plan was to come up from PR then and move home.

Middleground: DCS asks me to come up for a visit and do the wedding and move home in December after we have had a spell to work on us and to focus on work (him) and thesis (me) for a strong start/finish. I agree, but told him that I would need an invitation to the wedding, so I am not just crashing it uninvited and unwanted.

Foreground: After a weekend in Charleston with the sister and fam for he shower, DCS busts out with he has some concerns about me being at the wedding and that I would cause undue stress on the sister on "her" day by my very presence. Nice, huh?

Far back background: Sister and FI have dated for 1/4 of the time DCS and I. DCS and I announced engagement, days later, not to be outdone by her little brother, she announces hers. We had set our date a year ago (now) and then she set hers the weekend before ours and told us to move ours. Thankfully she moved hers (to Oct 9). but now it is a moot point, I guess.

She is the one continually making the drama, and I will upset her by my presence? She wanted to fistfight when we first met when I questioned a bird she was telling me about. "Cormorant? really? I didn't know they came this far north! At fist glance it looked like an anhinga to me. Cormorant, huh! Who'd have known... south carolina! We get them all the time in the Keys!"

Foreground: Wedding is in three weeks. I have no invite and it seems like DCS doesn't even want me there. I wouldn't DREAM of not inviting her or her fiance to any party we threw, much less a freaking wedding. And they have been together only like a year! Basic manners were obviously not taught or didn't take with that girl, bless her heart.

Thesis: Finished putting one site through the matrix, and am making decent time on the next site. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for this step. Thank gods!

Health: I am wearing a pedometer and realizing that I need to get off my fat ass more. But at least my skinny pants fit. If I could get in 2,000 more steps a day... so I am climbing my stairs at home 13 times to simulate the DC stair climb to the condo. The cats think I am nuts. Maybe I am.

Self-righteousness

I want to write on the idea of self-righteousness. This afternoon, after being blown off by DCS last night (mantra: he is busy too, give him space. He is working) He calls this afternoon. I encourage him to tell me all about the terminal visit (he works with trains, remember?) because I am genuinely interested. And he is so excited to tell of his trip. He got to drive a hopper! He got to load a train! He got to unload a train! These are very exciting things to an office bound economist/business managment fellow. I am genuinely happy that he is having such a good time. Really!

In the dark depths of my head, I feel a tiny bit self-righteous about being the “big man.” You know being honestly happy that he is having a good time and encourage him to go when I hear them yelling in the background, and to have a great dinner with all his new co-worker friends from this business trip (even though he blew me off.) He hurt my feelings, and yet I can still honestly feel happy that he is having a good time. That makes me have a gold star in my head.

Maybe self-righteous isn’t the right word…

No Cute Title

So yesterday's contact equaled only a phone message that he was doing dinner in O'town with the co-workers he was traveling with. No call later last night. Kind of a shame since there was a 24 hour sale on air fares down to this island from FL.

What am I waiting on now? Seems like I am always waiting on something from him. Sorry way to spend a life, waiting. Waiting for Godot! So Godot aside, I am waiting for him to decide when he is coming down here over the next few weeks and more importantly when I should come up to FL in October. For his sister's wedding. I could just get a ticket, but I don't want to fork out $325 for a wedding that I haven't been invited to (but noticed how quickly I was crossed off the list when he bailed. Now that we are back on (ish) I need an invite to know that I am, well, invited! That idea is of course lost on DCS.

And of course always waiting for the phone to ring. I don't want to crowd him, I want him to WANT to call me. I know he is traveling for work and very busy making those good strong work contacts, but really a five minute touch base isn't that hard. I find time for that for him even when work is a bit nutty.

It is amazing to see that in writing. I have become a girl waiting for the phone to ring. Heavy.

I have started back up on my data analysis though. So hours crunching numbers in Excel in the lab. Crunch Crunch Crunch. Every boring moment of crunching brings me closer to getting outta here!

Spent some time last night organizing a bit. Some of my immediate goals, other than DCS and thesis (maybe that needs a code name too!) are to purge purge my life here (it feels cluttered with too much "stuff") - my house, my office, and to start running. I desperately want to be a runner, but I hate the activity and it hurts. I keep starting out again and again on it. If I could just get decent at it, maybe I wouldn't hate it, and I know that it is really good for you. So I bought new trainers in hopes of bribing myself with white shiny shoes to do it (bad idea in such a dirty town that I live in and run in!)

This is where we live

940 square feet of loving! One bedroom, two walk-in closets, two full bathrooms (with baths - big thing if you have lived without one for three years!) kitchen, washer and dryer, talk across kitchen counter!

SO imagine a long rectangle, hack off a bit of it for the bedroom (bath and closet) then imagine the rest a big open space. Portion off a bit next to the bedroom, along the front wall and door a kitchen and closet with the washer. Across the kitchen counter/sink island opens the living/dining space. Along the same wall as the kitchen and front door is another bathroom and closet. The opposite wall is all windows. Big beautiful windows. And because we are the corner unit, windows along the bedroom and bathroom walls too! charcoal colored painted and sealed concrete floors and light wood cabinetry, vaulted ceilings and archetectual features. Restored Historic building. {sigh} I can't wait for December to move home, to my DCS and our home!

We have the Valencia bed from Pottery Barn on our wish list and the Manhattan Chair as well. He is refinishing our futon and we ordered a new mattress for it. We both can't wait to have our first home and for it to be less like college kids (crates and psters) and more like the young professionals we are!

Aqui

I am back on-island. I can’t say that I am thrilled about it. It is very strange to have to pay (flight) to go somewhere where you don’t really want to go. Bleh. I know - life is what I make it. If I don’t like something, change it. But I feel a little trapped. I have to finish my silly degree, and I can’t come home to write, because DCS doesn’t want me there yet. Ok, he says he wants me there, but also needs to have some time alone, to prove to himself he can make it on his own. Adult-style. DCS was completely supported by his folks through university and then moved back in with his mom after graduation, so September 1 was his first day in his own apartment that he pays for himself. The beginning of “growing up” that I thought people did at university.

I spent a few days in Jax with DCS unpacking an moving his stuff into our new place (he says it is ours, but as none of my stuff is there and I am not welcome to live there yet, it feels like it is his place.) We went shopping for the necessities for the new place and discovered that our first big purchases for it need to be drapes/shades/curtains as the lovely large windows that made me fall in love with the place also are right above street lamp level and make the place BRIGHT during the night!

Where are things with us? He is simply scared. Scared of becoming like his parents. Unfortunately his fear of being unhappy and divorced like his folks is making him push me away. Cold feet. I don’t know how to address this other than to suggest therapy. The other part is his desire to make it on his own. I can understand that, I guess.

The plan now? I go back to Puerto Rico (am here) for the semester and we’ll date over the phone and he’ll come down in a few weeks and then I’ll come up in October for a week (and his sister’s wedding) and then he’ll come down for Thanksgiving and then I will move home in December. In the meantime he will start his job there with a strong start and I will finish my data analysis and write a first draft before I come home.

I want this new plan to work. Will it? I have no idea. I have kept pushing back my “that’s it, have to decide by XXXX time” mental deadline back so many times now. I just want to come home. DCS is home. I am so tired of feeling like a transient with no home. I am tired of living in a place that is so far from my friends and loved ones and DCS. I am tired of feeling like everything that is good or will be good in my life has been taken from me.

He wants me to move home without any sort of commitment, to shack up. I know that I shouldn’t do that, leave my job here and my work and my opportunities here for the potential of a committed long term relationship (with a man that used to be the actualized potential.) I know he would suggest against his sister doing such a thing, but doesn’t seem to see why I am not really comfortable doing that for a man that won’t commit to us.

It is hard to just drop the fear I have of DCS leaving again and be the “happy, flirtatious, in-love” couple that he wants us to be. Now. It is hard to drop the fear, the hurt. If he would really commit to the December plan (and he said that was the plan, I just don’t know if he really is going to do it,) I really feel like I could concentrate on my damn thesis, and enjoy the time I have here with my ace girl, Canada, and DCS’ visits.

I'm Alive!

I have been at a Marine Protected Areas conference/meeting and then in Jax to move into our new place before returning to Puerto Rico. I am back on the island, back in the world of internet and will write a juicy "what happened" tomorrow. Traveling is taxing.

Thank you Chel and VJ for your concern and I will write tomorrow - I promise!

<3