Hope, Like a Lightening Bug

So the weekend brought Independence Day and three phone calls from David. One was Friday afternoon for a check on what of my stuff in our apartment I needed mailed to me rather than packed away, one Saturday to wish me a happy fourth, and another later that evening to tell me about a labradoodle. The last call was so achingly normal.

I glean a bit of hope from his calls. I am sure he doesn’t intend it to happen, but it does and I hang onto that hope. If we are really meant to be together (and who decides these meant to be, anyways?) then we will get through this at some point and be together. I know it is incessantly repetitive to say that I love him, but I do.

Maybe it is the LDS gene, but the way it goes in my head is like witnessing a fast and testimony meeting.

“I would like to bear my testimony that I believe in DCS. I believe that he and I are meant for each other. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that my love for him is true and strong. I have committed transgressions against him, both directly and by omission, but I know that a second chance would prove that I would not take him for granted ever again. I love him and believe in him. When he though he family didn’t believe in him, I did. When he though he had no friends, I was his friend. When he didn’t think his new friends loved him wholly, I loved him wholly. I respect, adore, and love DCS. Even in the darkest nights he gives me now, I love him. Even when he is hurting me worse than I have ever been hurt in my life, I am loving him. I have a seed of hope within me that fuels my life. DCS is my past and my future, and I would trade anything if he let himself feel that way again. I say these things in the name of all the love inside me, Amen.”

It even comes with the required LDS bawling. I wish we could just jot back to normal. It seems cruelly unfair that I am being punished like this. Let’s trace it back. Break up because I have changed and am not someone he could be with anymore. Why have I changed? Because I have been clinically depressed for a year? Why? Because of Depo Provera. Everyone I know has had this depression side effect, but I thought that it wouldn’t get me. It did. And even though I have already been punished by a year of depression, I am further punished by losing David. And I took the Depo for him, so we didn’t have a baby before we were ready. Ironic?

Take medication for boy. Suffer awful side effect of medication. Lose boy due to side effect. Potentially knocked up anyway. Nice. For the first time in a long time, I feel like me, only to get hit with this DCS issue. I feel an optimism for myself and life that I haven't felt for such a seemingly long time. The fact that I can feel any optimism in a time this dark is evidence to that damn Depo leaching from my system.

I am still too chicken to get a preggers test. I don't want to find out I am not pregnant as equally as I don't want to find out that I am. What a crazy universe it is turning out to be.