4 out of 5 Therapists Agree...

So I was thinking last night after I finished Traveling Mercies in the coconut-lime-verbena bath about things in my life that restrain me. I came up with this: No head trip restrains my actions, but focus more in on my relationships with other people. Competition/Jealousy and fear of abandonment are the two big ones.

Coming from a big family, there is no way to escape the comparisons. "But your brother was so good at this." "Your brother is so kind and people oriented" "Your brother is so smart" "Your brother is such a a great (insert sport, music, theatre, etc.)" Naturally I had to and still have to make myself freaking great to even be able to play in their game. Sometimes I wonder how I would be if I had been an only child. Would I continue falling down the mountain on the snowboard or would I call it quits and retire to the fireplace with cocoa? That is really difficult to know because being good at whatever is such an ingrained part of me. If there is something to be done, no sense in not doing it right. The big family competition thing also rears in jealousy. I am hyper aware of the hierarchy of the family and my friends now. It is like there is a continuously running poll in my head. I know who gets more time spent with them, who gets more money spent on them for the holidays, who gets more visits, phonecalls, emails. I am jealous of the time that DCS chooses to spend with his local friends versus choosing to spend time socializing /communicating on the phone with me when I live away. I am jealous that he would do what I perceived should be our dates with others while I was away. I was jealous and ultimately hurt that he chose to go on a valentine's date with another woman, go to a formal with another woman, go out with women that I told him beforehand would hurt my feelings if he did. I get jealous of him interacting with other women when I am not around to gauge that it is absolutely nothing (I know that it isn't, but it is so easy to feel unsure when you are so far away.)

Maybe concerns of being left, thrown away make it difficult to get close to people and let them get close to me. It is almost like there is a automatic, reflex defense on this. I don't even realize it is happening. Could it be part of the reason that men don't leave me, I leave them? 4 out of 5 therapists would probably agree. I realize now, with this DCS mess, that I get off a ship before it is a sinking ship if I even think it might sink. I don't know how many times I have left first to avoid the being left that I feel coming down the pipes (which usually I find out later was never coming...)

I don't know that these observations and self awareness changes the way I work. Maybe being aware of how I react to life and stress and situations is enough, then again maybe it is just noticing and doing the same. Maybe things need to change, maybe not. Maybe the whole world out there feels this same way and I am not any different than the world at large.

Who's to say?