BOK

Still too chicken to go get a preggers test. Bok Bok bok

And it might be later than I thought. Too bad I didn't keep track of that silly.

DCS was nice enough to call me Wednesday night. Just to say the same things all over again. Could he tell that I felt hopeful that day, that I hadn't cried all day, so he called me just to step on me again? That is what it feels like. I love him so much and he just doesn't. He says he loves me and he hurts, and that he wants...but he won't do it, he doesn't believe that we are the right people for each other anymore. I miss him so much. He won't even consider a break and reevaluation later. He said that would be unfairly string me along. It is a nothing. period.
Speaking of which, still nothing on that period front.

I miss him. I love him so much and he seems only to care to point out to me that he is over us. He is telling people that we broke up now, that he is "re-released" into the wild. I had a bit of hope pinned on the idea that he was just telling people we were in a rough spot, but no more.
An hour and a half of me begging and him telling me no. Why would he call me up just to say everything that he knows breaks my heart? That seems deliberately cruel. Again, though, there was just enough turn of phrase that made me hopeful even though he said there was no hope. How can there be no hope? How can he turn off like that? How can he go from forever to never in a flash?

He said that he is where I was when we met, hurt, heartbroken and distrusting of love and relationships. But I still gave him that chance back then. He won't give me that chance now.
He promised me that he would never hurt me, never leave me and he promised me that he would guard well my heart.

Why would he call me up, just to say he had no change of heart? Maybe he likes the power he holds over me. Why would he do something that the only outcome is to hurt me?
I would rather feel the emptiness of my stomach than the emptiness of my heart.
I have a lump the size of Texas in my throat and an elephant on my chest. Looks like today is gonna be a bad one.