And he became me, and I became he

So life is irony. The more I am around, the more I realize this. What makes me think that today? Well, I realized that I became what DCS wanted me to be, and he became what I wanted him to be. Unfortunately this leaves a gaping gulf between us still. And that "what we wanted" the other to be, was based off of characteristics from many years ago.

Kc- used to be very independent and free wheeling. Didn't need a man, but enjoyed sharing sections of her life with men. Highly opinionated, strong. Wanted a man that didn't "need" her but chose to be with her. Wanted relationship where each were complete beings that were with each other, but not too lovey dovey, syrupy crap.

DCS - used to be very romantic and persistent in pursuing what he wanted. This was in me and in job/school etc. Used to woo me. Wanted a girl to need him and to need a girl. Wanted a wife, a mother for his children (yet to be had), wanted a grand love affair, worthy of sonnets. He used to be and do all of those things centered around me and us.

Now = Kc wants that grand love affair, wants to marry the man she fell so hard for, believed all his desires for intense committed relations. DCS wants a laid back casual relationship. Doesn't want to have to exert any effort for anything, me nor work. Wants the perfect life handed to him, doesn't want to plan anything. Doesn't want to be responsible for making me happy (but won't take responsibility for making me sad, either)

What do I want? REALLY? I want a man to woo me, to court me, to not take me for granted. I want a man that makes me a priority, the highest priority. I want a man that welcomes me in every aspect of his life (including his sister's wedding.) I want a man that lets me make myself happy, that doesn't make me cry everyday. I want to feel secure and certain in our relationship. I want a man that I can talk intellectually with, do crafty things with, laugh and have fun with, travel with. But most importantly, one that loves me above all others like I do him, and makes it known through his everyday actions and special grand gestures. That seems so...pedestrian...so normal...and yet it seems like I am asking for too much when I put it into view of the "new" DCS.

But when it all comes down to it? I yearn to go home to him, my heart leaps when the phone rings, I scour my electronic mail inbox for any note from him, I hurry to check my postox for the same. I miss him with every fiber and love him with every breath. (And hope with every silent prayer and mantra that this is just a phase and the DCS I know and fell in love with will return one day soon and love me the way he used to and the way I deserve to be loved.)


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Thesis update: I was dome with my data analysis, but was missing a few transects. I was VERY happy about being at that point and looking forward to writing off those missing ones. Unfortunately, I found some of the missing data this morning. Darn it all. so back working all the data through the Matrix. The end, is still in sight though!