Aqui

I am back on-island. I can’t say that I am thrilled about it. It is very strange to have to pay (flight) to go somewhere where you don’t really want to go. Bleh. I know - life is what I make it. If I don’t like something, change it. But I feel a little trapped. I have to finish my silly degree, and I can’t come home to write, because DCS doesn’t want me there yet. Ok, he says he wants me there, but also needs to have some time alone, to prove to himself he can make it on his own. Adult-style. DCS was completely supported by his folks through university and then moved back in with his mom after graduation, so September 1 was his first day in his own apartment that he pays for himself. The beginning of “growing up” that I thought people did at university.

I spent a few days in Jax with DCS unpacking an moving his stuff into our new place (he says it is ours, but as none of my stuff is there and I am not welcome to live there yet, it feels like it is his place.) We went shopping for the necessities for the new place and discovered that our first big purchases for it need to be drapes/shades/curtains as the lovely large windows that made me fall in love with the place also are right above street lamp level and make the place BRIGHT during the night!

Where are things with us? He is simply scared. Scared of becoming like his parents. Unfortunately his fear of being unhappy and divorced like his folks is making him push me away. Cold feet. I don’t know how to address this other than to suggest therapy. The other part is his desire to make it on his own. I can understand that, I guess.

The plan now? I go back to Puerto Rico (am here) for the semester and we’ll date over the phone and he’ll come down in a few weeks and then I’ll come up in October for a week (and his sister’s wedding) and then he’ll come down for Thanksgiving and then I will move home in December. In the meantime he will start his job there with a strong start and I will finish my data analysis and write a first draft before I come home.

I want this new plan to work. Will it? I have no idea. I have kept pushing back my “that’s it, have to decide by XXXX time” mental deadline back so many times now. I just want to come home. DCS is home. I am so tired of feeling like a transient with no home. I am tired of living in a place that is so far from my friends and loved ones and DCS. I am tired of feeling like everything that is good or will be good in my life has been taken from me.

He wants me to move home without any sort of commitment, to shack up. I know that I shouldn’t do that, leave my job here and my work and my opportunities here for the potential of a committed long term relationship (with a man that used to be the actualized potential.) I know he would suggest against his sister doing such a thing, but doesn’t seem to see why I am not really comfortable doing that for a man that won’t commit to us.

It is hard to just drop the fear I have of DCS leaving again and be the “happy, flirtatious, in-love” couple that he wants us to be. Now. It is hard to drop the fear, the hurt. If he would really commit to the December plan (and he said that was the plan, I just don’t know if he really is going to do it,) I really feel like I could concentrate on my damn thesis, and enjoy the time I have here with my ace girl, Canada, and DCS’ visits.