Changes are A-Coming

I def. feel the same way about internet land staying separate from reality land. I think it is possible for internet friends to become reality friends, but I am not sure the river flows the other way.

On that note, changes are a-coming. So if you lurk here, start posting comments because in a bit (read: after I finish appendices and possibly draft results) I will be moving this site. Again. To a better hidden spot.

Comment now or be lost to these trivial trials and tribulations FOREVER!

Terms and Conditions:
I will post an email address where one can email me offline for the new address, and I hope that my two lovely readers and maybe a lurker or so will make the move with me.

Gratitude List:
1. A two bedroom townhouse in the Caribbean all to myself (as of midnight today.) Downside=more than doubled rent with reduced assistantship.
2. Quiet in my house.
3. Tranquility in my own home, no stress or tension.
4. No cats in the house, so doors can be left thrown open.

In a Tube...

So, I'd like to start out by greeting my guiltily lurking friend, Yankee. He called last night in a flurry of apologies and upset to confess that he had tracked down my site and had a nice stroll around. Please note this was after we spoke that afternoon about him not doing that. Ian fact, I explicitly asked him not to, when I found him googleing me up.

Second, I want scientist/developer extrordinaire VJ to tell all about the lovely new lobotomy in a tube. I am suggesting that this might be a great valentine's present for loved (but sometimes trying) ones. I am hoping it has the side affects of that anti-despressent prosicline (or something like that.) It induces women to orgasm when they yawn and sneeze. Thank you google and sexualrecords.com for that tidbit. If it has that side affect, I will not only administer it freely to DCS, but self medicate.

Gratitude:
1. The bridesmaid dresses aren't too bad (more on t hat story later.)
2. Good friends, even if I am mad at one for being a bad friend right now.
3. A seemingly endless capacity to accept faults and mistakes and disappointment from others.
3. Sock Monkeys

Weekend to Do and End of Week Done

To Do:
1. Finish writing Nitrox review
2. Shade Thesis appendices
3. Finish outlining Results/Conclusion
4. Clean my office
5. Clean my house
6. Scan recipes from last year's calendar

Done:
1. North Country with good friend, Yankee, last night.
2. Wrote 1/2 of Nitrox Review
3. Began outlining Results
4. Baked Pumpkin bread
5. Decided and ordered bedroom set for Jax house




Gratitude List:
1. Yankee and movie last night
2. Morning call from DCS from his camping trip
3. Leftover baked spaghetti

Attitude of Gratitude

So my internet girlfriend Chel posted the following from an article she read:
"Researchers took a group of 100 people, and had 50 people make a daily gratitude list. Six months later, they ran attitude/depression testing on the 100 people, and the 50 people who had been keeping lists had an overall improvement in mood."
In this stream she began tracking a gratitude list in her writing. In an effort to try anything to turn around my mental state, I am also going to do this. I am lucky that this is something I already do occasionally in my head so it will be an increase in times and commit to writing.

Consider yourself warned.

Gratitude List:
1. My thesis really coming together.
2. Swimming with dolphins yesterday.
3. A place to unload my thoughts and two lovely readder freinds that shout back to me from the canyon.
4. Things with DCS turning around.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't fair and jumped to wrong conclusions about DCS last night. I also thought he was in the hospital or in a ditch. We do turn into our parents. It is so much right now, so naturally the insecurities in this other part of my life decided to pop up too.

Have to get out and dive a site now.

It is too early for a meltdown

Welcome back to my rollercoaster world. I had hoped, really believed that I would get to leave that world this year, but instead the coaster is full throttle all ready.

Roller Coaster #1

1. "Baby, I won't see these certain women that you have concerns about until you are home with me and we can see them together." "Thanks DCS, I really appreciate the maturity of this and look forward to knowing these women so that I can see that they aren't a threat." INSERT A WEEK OF Kc ABSENCE BACK TO ARMPIT ISLAND "But I didn't know Stacy was coming to the circus too, what, should I not go?"

2. No calls since circus
3. Says he's sick
4. Stacy's away message says she is spending the evening in Jax (which is 2 hrs from where she lives and where DCS does in fact live)

I know that he is sick. I know that she could be visiting someone else. I also know that I could be freaking out for nothing. or everything.

Roller Coaster #2
Roommate, after not talking to me for a month and half (and no reason why), tells me today that she is moving out. In 10 days. So I am stuck in a lurch for rent (which my part will more than double) for the next few months. Did I mention that my professor cut my pay because the project money is out?

I am a sucker for roommates that will live with me until their ship (read:man) comes in. This is the second roommate in a row that has left as soon as mancake started footing the bill.

I need a mancake to foot my bill....

Roller Coaster #3
Conversation with professor about thesis writing timeline. "That is ambitious." "Well, sir, I like to think I am an ambitious girl." "That you are, and crazy. Good luck with that schedule."



I am so OVER freaking emotional bullshit rollercoaster. I want off so badly. And I just don't know how to get off. I want the hell out of Puerto Rico (where I have learned more about people than marine science. And not positively about people, but VERY negative things.) I want to go home to my cat. I want to live with my DCS, who is more like the DCS when I am around than the DCS when I am not around. I want to scream and rant and cry. I am so tired of holding everything in, trying to maintain an inner zen. I want out of here. I want out of the people that seem to surround me. I want friends that treat me the way I treat them. I want DCS to love and cherish me the way I do him. I want to be important to people, valued. I am so tired of being stand in best friend, ace girl while they are low. I am tired of putting out super friend actions and receiving half assed back.

I want out of all of this mess, and I don't know how.

How to make me want to whack you in the head, like the mole game

Call me, chat 3 minutes, then act like you have to go in a hurry and I am inconveniencing you, when you were the one to call me.

Scoop

So apparently the whole fiasco (now that I finally have a clear answer as to reason why) of DCS is cold feet. He feared (fears) becoming like his parents - divorced. And in an effort to prevent that broke up with me. The idea of being with no one definitely prevents divorce.

So right before I was to leave to come home for the holidays, DCS calls and asks to see me while I was there.

“Sure,” says I, “love to catch up, grab a cup of coffee, you know.”
“No, I want to see you for more than a catch up like old friends,” says he.
“I don’t want to see you unless it is the beginning of us back together, because frankly, I don’t want to have my hopes up just to be dashed and heartbroken again.”
“The reason I want to see you is just that, to get back together.”
“I’ll be at my mother’s house, feel free to come calling.”

For the two weeks before the cruise, he did come calling. It wasn’t all roses and candlelight, but it was nice. There were some terrible lows in there, but some hopeful highs as well. Then before the cruise he asked me to come back after the cruise to him and us, and our place in Jax.

While on the cruise he emailed me everyday (in an effort to solidify my coming back to him.) And when I returned from the cruise he showed up that very night and I let him whisk me back to our place.

Then a week of contact time. Again, not all roses and candlelight, but favorably positive. In fact, positive enough to ignite that light of hope in my stomach again. Future and marriage were brought back up by him, as well as the DC fellowship and plans. He knows that he has effed up tremendously, and hurt me even more. He has apologized for that and said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He says he loves me, and I hope he does, because I love him.

He got a ticket to come down in a few weeks to Armpit Island and I am looking forward to seeing him. Then I go back stateside for my girlfriend’s wedding and will stay to see him. Then hopefully return soon after that…permanently.

Speaking of that permanence…I reminded him that I wouldn’t be living with a man that I wasn’t minimally engaged to, and that I would be moving back to him or to my mother’s house. At the end of this chapter, I will be moving on one way or the other. I really hope it is with him. He takes it as an ultimatum, instead of the honest acceptance that I have a limit for pain and hurt and heartbreak in my life. I wish he would see it just as that. I hope he can see that I have stood by him longer than most women would and I hope that counts for something.

In an effort to get back on the writing train....

[a is for age:]
Creeping to thirty

[b is for booze o
f choice:]
hard cider.

[c is for career:]
science, marine. policy, marine.

[d is for your dog's name:]
Hammy (For the great dane I do not own. yet.) Skeeter (he is my dog-like cat.)

[e is for essential items you use everyday:]
Lip balm that I refer to lovingly as "Chap Slap," and some type of fleece warmy (as I freeze easily)

[f is for favorite song(s) at the moment:]"
"Better Together" Jack Johnson

[g is for favorite games:]
Scrabble, Boggle, Balderdash

[h is for hometown:]
I am and will always be a Florida girl

[i is for instruments you play:]
What I will admit to: Bass clarinet. At other points in my life: piano, trumpet, clarinet

[j is for jam or jelly you like:]
Orange Marmelade right now. Apricot at other times.

[k is for kids:]
None right now. Hopefully in the future though...

[l is for last kiss:]
DCS.

[m is for most admired traits:]
Forthrightness, wit, intelligence, creativity, honesty, decisiveness, direction, and aspirations

[n is for name of your crush:]
DCS. Celebrity: Matthew McConahey (sp?)

[o is for overnight hospital stays:]
I have spent most of the night in a hospital once. For Dengue Fever. On Armpit Island.

[p is for phobias:]
Drowning.

[q is for quotes you like:]
"Treat a man as he is, he will remain so. Treat a man the way he can be and ought to be, and he will become as he can be and should be.” -Goethe

[r is for biggest regret:]
Feels like a have a few right now.

[s is for sweets of your choice:]
Not chocolate, not flan.

[t is for time you wake up:]
Varies. Isn’t grad school great?

[u is for underwear:]
Lace boy shorts.

[v is for vegetables you love:]
Asparagus and artichokes

[w is for worst habit:]
Tunnel vision pessimism (but in general I am very optimisitic…)

[x is for x-rays you've had:]
Teeth, ulcer, foot, who knows what else…

[y is for yummy food you make:]
I love to bake. DCS doesn’t like sweets, so I will be looking for someone to eat my endeavors when I get back to Florida…

[z is for zodiac sign:]
Sagatarius!


This list idea borrowed from mipmup.blogs.com

If you want to do it to, please join me, then drop a note and let me come to your page and read yours!

Back again

Where am I? Has the time in Florida been beneficial to me? Have things settled between DCS and I? How is the thesis?

I am back on Armpit Island.

I think that I enjoyed my three weeks with my mother (which included a cruise, on which I was a visiting scientist.) But time at home always makes one appreciate their own space, just as time alone always makes one appreciate home. I left Skeeter with my mother.

I spent a week in Jax with DCS.

Thesis is painfully behind where I had hoped to be at the end of break. but I hope to pound out through the weekend and get my feet back under me in that department.

I am thinking through the DCS encounter and will write an in depth account next, but in summary: Kc + DCS = garbled, but hopeful.

More to come, but frameworks/appendices call to me!