Listy!

Attitude of Gratitude:
1. I am grateful that my draft I is sitting pretty in my prof's box.
2. I am happy that my fellowship application draft is sitting in my prof's box.
3. I am pleased that I am in an upswing of mood today.
4. I am happy to have a clean house this evening (even if I am the opne to have to make it so...)
5. I am astonished and happy that there is another adult being out there that likes mobiles as much as I do. Mainly astonished.
6. I am grateful to have seen a amazingly large and beautiful spotted eagle ray on this morning's dive.
7. I am grateful for milk returning to my refridgerator tonight (after I hit the store...)
8. I am please to add a new celebrity husband to my harem : Peter Wingfield, Methos from the Highlander Series. Hamana.
http://www.wingfieldfans.org/peter/gallery/screencap.asp?img=headshot1&width=500&height=725
9. I am grateful that one day soon I will have the time to remember how to make links. Time because one day soon, time will be my own again. For a while, anyway!

Take me as I am

I don't know what to do when that backed into a corner feeling occurs. The stay and be treated in a manner I don't like or leave and throw away all hopes and dreams with this man.

There is so much good to this man. Even if I write more often when upset, there really is so much good to him.

I am just so lost on this DCS-centric attitude. The take me or leave me, this is the new me attitude.

GGRRUUMMPPHHH!!

Refusing to spellcheck tonight

So having my laptop in the office really makes a difference for writing. I don't feel comfortable writing out in the common computers, but prefer the solitude of my office.

DCS thoughts:
I really hate the feeling that I am the only one making any effort here. I hate feeling like the only way I can change the less than positive things in this relationship is for me to leave. I love him so much and envision a life together, so the idea of leaving is obviously abhorrent to me. But then again, I don't know any other option that I have to make change in this. I can stay and accept that I am a person deserving of little to no effort from him, or I can go, and throw away all my hoeps and dreams with him and love for him.

I hate feeling like we can't talk about the relationship because he views it as "pressure," and I feel like if there is anything less than roses and candlelight and positive buoyancy, then he will walk out on me. again. I hate the egg shells. I hate the uncertainty, the insecurity

The thing is, he thinks I am angling for a wedding with him. Am I? Sure! Right now? Hell, no. I wouldn't have him right now if he asked. Why? Ummm... please refer to the above and the archives. Oh yeah...and because I don't know how to trust what he says. I don't trust the "I love yous" and the "I want to have a life with yous" and the "I want you to be my wife in the future." So how can I trust a "will you marry me?" Why? Again, please refer to the archives - or just recall the earlier proposal followed by the walk out, called off wedding, broken engagement, broken heart. Should he ask anyway? Hell yes! He should ask all the time, over and over again until I do trust him, and the time I do say yes. Why? Maybe it will help with that trust stuff. Will it happen? Nope. Why? Because he is self centered, and concerned only about how he feels, not how he makes others (read:me) feel.Like he is quick to point out. This is about who he is, not who he was.

I guess it boils down to the simple matter of trust (to start with.) I don't know how to trust him. And he doesn't know that he needs to be laying it on thick. I wish I had it in me to walk away. I wish I could. Just like the gay cowboy, "I wish I could quit him."

Do I love him? Yes.
Do I want to marry him? Yes.
Does that need to happen right now? No.
Do I want to leave him? No.
Do I feel like I have any control over any of this? No.
Do I feel cornered into a stay and be treated this way and be hurt, or leave and be miserabley heartbroken? Yes.
Do I know what to do about it? No.
Can I just ignore it or let it go and concentrate on me and all that other self-help garbage? Obviously not completely.

Where are you?

Let’s play count the clichés in my life:
1. Grad Student
Dirt poor
Working hours shifted so that the end of my work day is at 5. AM.
2. Chick
27 and ticking
4.5 years vested in relationship and antsy
3. Education
Concerned that I will end up doing something completed unrelated to my degree.

I haven’t been writing here because I have been writing quite a bit on the old thesis. If it makes you feel any better, oh gentle reader, I have been ignoring my real life friends too. Thesis is sometimes an all consuming affair - like a nasty, jealous lover. All this being said, however, I have pounded out a semblance of a first draft. In fact, I will be printing the beast and delivering it to my professor by the end of the weekend. An entire week of my desired timeline, but seeing as it was completely arbitrary and based off no real understanding of time needed, I don’t think it is too bad. As my mum said “the light at the end of the tunnel is blinding!” I am loathe to get feeling too giddy about the prospects, as I haven’t had ANY feedback from the professor, but still the giddiness lifts my spirits, and buoys my soul.

Speaking of lightness of step, I am stepping lightly after a Valentine’s weekend visit from DCS. Surprised him at the airport (he was to rent a car and drive over) and took him to the waterfall the next day. A lovely evening of cooking together and connecting ensued. The following day (our Vday) was a day at our favorite beach, way up beyond the people and very isolated. We stretched out a blanket beneath the trees and just soaked up the sun, the salt, the love and presence of the other. That evening I created a stellar (if I do say so myself….) Valentine’s dinner to accompany the wine he brought down with him. All in all it was a postcard weekend – Tropical Waterfall, stargazing and full moon with wine by the pool, lounging on the beach and then a luscious dinner to celebrate love. *sigh*

Of course the dropping him off at the airport sucks, but it isn’t nearly painful now as it was, now it is just annoying because I know that I will be back in FL in just three weeks. And then home for good SOON! While he was here we also packed up all but 2 weeks worth of clothes and took all the pictures off the wall to be transferred to the Jax house. I love the feeling of actual planning and movement on the official moving home project. SUCH A GREAT FEELING!!!!