Refusing to spellcheck tonight
So having my laptop in the office really makes a difference for writing. I don't feel comfortable writing out in the common computers, but prefer the solitude of my office.
DCS thoughts:
I really hate the feeling that I am the only one making any effort here. I hate feeling like the only way I can change the less than positive things in this relationship is for me to leave. I love him so much and envision a life together, so the idea of leaving is obviously abhorrent to me. But then again, I don't know any other option that I have to make change in this. I can stay and accept that I am a person deserving of little to no effort from him, or I can go, and throw away all my hoeps and dreams with him and love for him.
I hate feeling like we can't talk about the relationship because he views it as "pressure," and I feel like if there is anything less than roses and candlelight and positive buoyancy, then he will walk out on me. again. I hate the egg shells. I hate the uncertainty, the insecurity
The thing is, he thinks I am angling for a wedding with him. Am I? Sure! Right now? Hell, no. I wouldn't have him right now if he asked. Why? Ummm... please refer to the above and the archives. Oh yeah...and because I don't know how to trust what he says. I don't trust the "I love yous" and the "I want to have a life with yous" and the "I want you to be my wife in the future." So how can I trust a "will you marry me?" Why? Again, please refer to the archives - or just recall the earlier proposal followed by the walk out, called off wedding, broken engagement, broken heart. Should he ask anyway? Hell yes! He should ask all the time, over and over again until I do trust him, and the time I do say yes. Why? Maybe it will help with that trust stuff. Will it happen? Nope. Why? Because he is self centered, and concerned only about how he feels, not how he makes others (read:me) feel.Like he is quick to point out. This is about who he is, not who he was.
I guess it boils down to the simple matter of trust (to start with.) I don't know how to trust him. And he doesn't know that he needs to be laying it on thick. I wish I had it in me to walk away. I wish I could. Just like the gay cowboy, "I wish I could quit him."
Do I love him? Yes.
Do I want to marry him? Yes.
Does that need to happen right now? No.
Do I want to leave him? No.
Do I feel like I have any control over any of this? No.
Do I feel cornered into a stay and be treated this way and be hurt, or leave and be miserabley heartbroken? Yes.
Do I know what to do about it? No.
Can I just ignore it or let it go and concentrate on me and all that other self-help garbage? Obviously not completely.
copyright Kc @ 8:10 PM
1 Comments:
Not a good analogy the gay cowboys, right? KC, this has always sounded less than endearing when you describe DCS. I wish you could quit him too, but in the mean time, your instincts here in NOT rushing into a marriage with someone so flighty and uncertain are correct and probably critical to everyone's future happiness. This description in particular is a more than a bit troublesome:
"I hate feeling like we can't talk about the relationship because he views it as "pressure," and I feel like if there is anything less than roses and candlelight and positive buoyancy, then he will walk out on me. again. I hate the egg shells. I hate the uncertainty, the insecurity".
You'll see a similar dynamic in almost every abusive relationship you care to encounter or read about. Now he may be cheerful loving and kind every time you see him, but when the chips are down is he going to be dependable? That's the central question here. Having him ask more times is probably not going to do it. Having him demonstrate some sort of behavior change in his attitude might, but from your description this is not forthcoming.
Sometimes the most difficult thing about growing up is realizing that once you are 'in a relationship' with another that their needs do need to be satisfied occasionally too. We can not exist blind to one another's needs & desires and still truly believe we are honoring them in the way they ought to be. Not in love, not in marriage and not even in a true friend.
You sense this constantly, and you express this well. Again this is a not uncommon predicament, and I come away thinking that time may resolve it, but there's already been lots of time wasted on this character, and he seems none the better for it.
Weddings should not be about 'pressure'. The planning perhaps, and many grooms just let others take care of the details, it's so much easier on them that way. It should be about the affirmation of a love between tow people, and a commitment to a life they will share. Disaster vids to the contrary, it should be a happy, life affirming event. One party should not feel 'pressured' to go through with it. That's a very good argument for giving it a bit more time or moving on.
Now truth be told there are many couples that have less than stellar beginnings but work to achieve lasting marriages and good relationships with each other and family. But it's hard work, and perhaps the boy's just not up to it yet. Perhaps he'll never get there to that happy state, and you'll be left with a fairly unromantic but pretty inert lump for a husband. This can happen and it's not the end of the world, but you'll always wonder what 'might have been'. If he's got any brains to work with he'll go to his old age smug & yet still somehow a bit dumb, knowing how lucky he was to find someone like you, but never knowing quite why you stayed. And there's lots of marriages like that. His style probably will not change much. If anything these blokes get less demonstrably affectionate with age. Again, not the end of the world and generations of women somehow found it barely or fairly tolerable depending if they had seen much Oprah that week. But it's something you should do with your eyes wide open, and your options carefully weighed. Me, I'd apply some of your hard won scientific reasoning to the issue, but it's clear by now that rationality has only a limited part to play here. Again, a not uncommon scenario. The heart has it's own reasons.
So despite everything I think it's better to wait than to make any decisions that you may come to regret some years hence. That's the better part of reason here. And it's why the age of first marriage has been creeping up steadily as women go on to complete more years of post HS education. Past a certain point they're bound to suffer fewer fools less gladly. But there's always a few that make it out or into the net. This may seem difficult to do at times, but it's better to wait here than regret at your leisure in your mid to late 30's with kids and starting over all over again.
It was good to hear of your progress in your thesis work. That's going to be more rewarding in the end for your development as a professional than most troublesome intimate relationships. Believe it! Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
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