"You're just an empty cage if you kill the bird."
So, I think the anti-crazy pills are great and horrid. I have never felt more apathetic and removed from my own self. It is this weird out of body experience. Like watching me stumble through the motions of a life I used to once live. Odd, but interesting all at the same time. Of course the logical thing would be to go to a doctor and get a different brand of anti-crazies, but since I didn't even do that for this batch, the chance of that is pretty slim. Besides it is intellectually interesting, the remoteness I mean. The great part is the numb feeling, the apathy. It does pull me away from the all encompassing darkness of drowning in DCS despair. So that is a good thing, I reckon.
Apathy even to writing my observations on life, here. So I guess I need to schedule it in, since the impulse has been chemically removed.
It pulls up the valleys of emotions, but it also stunts the spikes upwards too. What I would give to laugh, to feel happiness and joy. (Granted- I know that I wasn't that much inclined towards it before the anticrazies)
Upside? Depression (still hate that word) is the best diet known to man (or me, anyway.) The one thing that brings me positive emotion lately? The morning scale routine. Hey look! I am losing weight. woohoo. Of course my clothes don't fit. My two readers and I could all three fit in my pants. Party in Kc's pants! Still, it got a satisfied smile this morning. (Realizing this is a whole other can of shrink couch worms)It is nice to have even a half ass control over something in my life, even if it just my pants. (Not that I am actually controlling anything, just not hungry...for 7 months.)
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Thesis Update:
Thank God for method. Finally! I think that I have devised a method for this next step. Had some problems with combinations of densities and multiplicative/additive powers and weighted v. unweighted averages, but think things are on a roll now. In fact, I have produced my first Cross-Shelf Habitat Framework for an acanthurid species. Adult, Juvenile, and Early Juvenile. Yay! All I have to do is quartile the densities and shade them in and I have my first appendix entry. Please feel free to sigh with relief with me. (sigh) Thank you. The Holiday break will be filled with doing the other 90.
copyright Kc @ 9:17 AM
2 Comments:
I'm betting there's plenty of interesting info on the side effects of the particular anti-depressant med on the net KC, but many of them have very broadly similar actions such as the ones you cited. It can help with the serious depression stuff, but this by no means describes all it's other effects on other realms of life& emotions. 'Prozac Nation' touched upon it about 10+ years ago(?) now, but it's something to keep an eye on.
It's never too safe to be talking drugs w/o a doctor's prescription but of course people do it all the time. I'd try backing off the dosage to see what effects you see. Usually it's fairly dramatic after a few weeks, and you can figure out what's the minimum effective dosage for you. But again, you'd be running out of them sometime soon too, right? If you're still being bothered by the underlying condition, I'd see some professional about it. Surprisingly, many school clinics (when you get back to it) can be quite reasonable & understanding about this issue now-a-days.
It's good to hear about your progress on the thesis. Why, that does sound like real science! Method and rote can and should be your friend here. Steady work at the rock face will get it done. Whatever gets you to the finish line is well and good, as long as it does not cause permanent damage to yourself or undue harm to others. That's the bottom line. Survive & thrive. And we'll wait for the 'party in your pants' until you finish, OK? Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
That took 3 separate tries with no less than 3 spearate browsers to post. Evidently Blogger no longer likes anyone but Mr. Bills products. Way to go blogger! Way to work yourself out of the market! Geez what BS!!!!! Cheers, 'VJ'
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