Closet Girl
So I have four brothers, and my mother is not a girly girl. I was raised to be rough and tumble with the boys and that has made me the hyper competitive, never say die, independent, edgy person that I am. It has also overwhelmed any girly girl that I might have or wish to have. Makes me view any of those traits as shamefully weak. So this tomboy is the person that men fall in love with, when they fall in love with me. That brash, outgoing, opinionated, outboy the boys type of a tomboy.
Over the past four years though, I have gotten very comfortable in being that person, but also letting more of the interior person out. That girly girl. The one who wears pink, and bakes and feels insecure sometimes, and emotional and sometimes jealous and all the more typical (stereotypical?) feminine traits. Then I get a ration of shit about not being the person he fell in love with. Damn me and my multi facets. Damn me for feeling comfortable enough to bring more parts of me into the light.
So the real yick of today's thought is this. When I get hurt or just move on from a relationship, I draw up that strong, independent powerful woman around me as armor. Then some stiff falls in love with that unattainable, cool, aloof, capable, mannish, omnipotent person. And then is surprised as that eventually melts away to reveal another aspect(not a different, just another aspect of who I am.)
So, I guess I would need to put a out a personal ad to the effect of: SWF, 26, in search of SWM, 26+ able to be Prince Charming to both Cruella Deville/Queen Malificent/Eleanor Roosevelt and closet Sleeping Beauty/Cinderella/etc.
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Thesis Update: I have begun writing! I am tempering my data analysis with bouts of writing, so this has left me with only the ontogenetic stage characterization left to write and the appendices to add (which is what the data is going to give me) and then write a little bit (very little bit) about the results and then carry on in a discussion. Three parts: Ontogeny, Results and Discussion. Granted the discussion is the hardest part to write and the appendices will be huge, but still I am quite pleased with the movement.
copyright Kc @ 2:21 PM
2 Comments:
Good to hear of the thesis update and your new part time stint with the Ass Chronice sisters KC. Misery deserves company when not busy.
I'm not certain of all of the overall stats, but that type of family & upbringing is conducive to fine careers in science for women. I've seen it happen many times.
No one gets to have their love object frozen in time save for those who die too young, and this is a far greater tragedy. If DCS does not understand or appreciate this fact of life, it's one more strike against him I think. What happens when you age? Have kids? Geez, people are changing all the time, they remain the same personality mostly, but learning and growing all the same. Will you love me when I'm old and grey? How about fat, old and grey? Now there's a test of affection. Of course for me it was a bit worse still. It was all of the above and more as a cranky curmudgeon. But this is for the long haul hopefully, right? Where are the complaints so far from DCS I wonder? But all this is water over the dam, done and gone mostly.
Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
i can absoulutely relate to what you are feeling.
i have my own fair share of being that independent person my bf thought i was and 3 yrs down the road he said i wasn't like how i was that person he used to admire. i thought he loved me whole heartedly the person i was. strong or not..
wtf? so maybe we are not that strong after all. so girls have to girls?? haha..
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