Weekend to Recharge - For Him
So I have been scarce because I had an exam this morning for my “other” graduate program. Studied all weekend with occasional breaks to do Martix! I don’t think I fared as well as I would have liked and I can’t get the fax number to work, so I can’t even submit it right now.
DCS needed a weekend to re-center and refocus and reinvigorate and all sort of other re- beginning words. This means he sequesters himself in the woods, alone and doesn’t take calls. Of course I had hoped that he would emerge epiphanized and beg me to join him for the wedding and to hurry up and get a ticket home. Needless to say that didn’t happen. I got an “I realize I have disappointed you a lot recently. You don’t deserve that. I am sorry.”
We have always been very apart on our ideas of apologies. I view apologies as a fix. Sorry means that you wouldn’t do it again given the chance or if it is still broken that you are fixing it. So to me sorry is baseless without the fix. To him? Sorry is simply the observation that he did a dick thing. No need to ameliorate the situation, just observe it.
He is simply floundering. He has been for a while. First it was fear about graduation and growing up, now it is new job and balancing all aspects of his life. Simply floundering. I fear that I am back in a situation where I am treading water for more than myself. Everyone has to swim or tread water for themselves, but sometimes we need help or we drown. Seems like I am back in the lifeguard position of keeping a face out of the water and trying to keep him from melting down. I don’t know that I am doing the best job.
He has realized that he lets himself get pulled in too many directions and doesn’t make time for himself. He doesn’t seem to get that prioritizing his life components will aid in dealing with those demands. Too much like planning. Which he is apparently against now.
I realize that I give a lot of time, energy, and consideration to my relationships with people and have an ever diminishing level of what is acceptable to receive/expect back. Suck it up, that is all they can give right now, that is all you deserve, make the best of it.
I don’t think that I will ever forgive him for uninviting me to his sister’s stupid wedding, for telling me so plainly that I am not family to him, that his family should not regard me as important to him, either. Part of me wishes that I had a capability to hurt him as much as he hurts me, to make him feel as small and value-less as he makes me feel. I wouldn’t – because that is where we differ – I wouldn’t do something knowing it would hurt him. And he can, and does. And then says sorry. Before doing it again.
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Thesis Update – Of the 4 found data sets, 3 are entered into the Matrix now and the fourth is huge. But begun. I am hoping to have this set in by the end of the weekend (the weekend that I wasn’t even supposed to be here, but stateside at the wedding with DCS.) When I get that set entered, the Matrix will be done, and I can go to the next step – the Cross-Shelf Habitat Frameworks! That step is the product. Yay! Product and bulk of my thesis in the form of appendices! If only I could get there already…
copyright Kc @ 3:08 PM
2 Comments:
You know Chel, I don't want to be at that point, so I am not. I believe and trust (or delude myself depending on one's view) that his actions are more of a manifestation of his own personal problems and floudering and that he feels safe enough in my unconditional love to strike out at that rather than at the people and situations that are really stressing him.
I honestly hope and believe that the Prince Charming he has exiled will return once he has his own feet under him again and finds his own peace and balance.
That is the angle I am working from right now. Let's see where that takes us.
Good to hear of your progress with your Thesis work KC. Sorry that progress does not seem to be forthcoming on the DCS front. I say once you're done with one, you should be done with the other. You should tell him that you want to 'clear the deck' after you've finished. You've really been more than understanding with the boy. Floundering people often can flounder through life, wreaking havoc on those near and dear to them for decades. Heedlessly and carelessly they can consume your life even while largely absent from it. It's a neat trick, but a common one. Unconditional love can then be wasted in vain, no matter it's strength, depth, purity or selflessness. It makes no sense to continue to be a martyr for a cause that the boy clearly does not really believe in any longer. If he's uncertain that you are 'family' to him or too embarrassed to take you to a wedding with his folks, then the fat lady is already singing. He may be the dearest thing you know. It may be inconceivable to you that you move on without him, but after awhile it'll come to you. I just hope this does occur sometime before you're 30, so you have adecent chance with another more worthy prospect. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
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