If I want a freaking tiara...
Please remember, dear gentle reader, that this is my space to expunge my mental carousel.
My non-internet life is filled with thesis work from waking to sleeping, with a small chunk of time to talk to DCS or write this journal, or even hell, think of something besides freaking fish. So I think it is safe to reassure you that I am being productive. As for making myself "better," that is very difficult to do when I am in a place where I no longer care to be. And I am tired of making the best of the situation. That is what I do, I slather a sorority girl smile on, and press on. But you know what? Screw that right now. There is no way to make myeslf better when one has no tools to do so.
Better:
"Rough day, I just need to sink into that bubble bath tonight with a cider and relax." - no bathtub, no hard cider on the island
"I'll just pop out and do some retail therapy." - town is 45 minutes away and there is no retail therapy on a grad student budget.
"What I need is a quiet space to meditate." - there is no such thing as quiet here.
These are the normal pick me up type activities, but are unavailable here to do. So all my time is spent of the thesis. Wait, I went to the movies once this month. And felt too guilty for not working on my data the whole time.
Obviously I am taking care of what I can take care (i.e. thesis) and trying my damnedest to not spend too much time wallowing, however, if I want to use this forum as my space to admit my insecurities, fears, sadness, hopes, - I will. I am sure it is easy to sit in your ivory tower and call my grief and uncertainty "self-imposed suffering", I know because I have been guilty of the same, but you know - I don't see it as self-imposed. I see this simply as my space to distill my thoughts, fears etc. into a more concise thought.
And if I have aspirations for a tiara to wear when I am feeling sad and let down and hopeless, then I reckon that is ok too.
copyright Kc @ 10:16 AM
5 Comments:
Well the best I can offer at the moment is the knowledge that there are indeed cider recipes that are available so you can make some home brew. I imagine that might be comforting. And if they have large basins on the island, you can get a bath. I've done it, and it's not so bad. The scenery is the key to a good experience though.
I do not mean to interrupt your venting and other psychological maintenance mechanisms, such as the blog. It helps sometimes to have an audience.
As for me, I left what passes for 'the Ivory Tower' probably about the time you were a toddler. Most of the other institutions I've been associated with had better football teams though.
I was never good at understanding why girls sometimes want tiaras, or other 'Princess' accouterments, so you'll have to forgive me on that score, I just don't get it. Still, it's probably not befitting of a budding research scientist (of which I have known many) or any of the naturalists I know. But hey, I rarely peek inside their bedrooms either, so they might have that proverbial set of stuffed animals too. Some still do, I know that much.
The Island sounds plenty confining enough to get lots of work done, and this is a blessing that you can only really come to appreciate in the decades to come. It'll make things go a whole lot faster. It concentrates the mind as nothing else can, it's the rare secret to successful graduate study and research: isolation, concentration, and time enough to do decent study/work.
From your well of disappointment and loneliness you can step back and construct for yourself a successful career and professional focus. This may seem like small bananas now, but this is what you can do best now with your time on the island. This is not a curse, although it may feel like hell and a prison of swirling sand, facts, figures and fish. It is a blessing. The world will reveal itself to you if you are only patient enough to wait, observe and then act with the knowledge gained.
But you are not alone, and you are not deprived of the one resource thousands of researchers would have almost killed for in prior generations: news, entertainment and humor are available at your fingertips for perhaps a few hours of the day. Communications with your Prof's might be just a few hours away. Good counsel is always hard to find.
For much of the last century field research meant just that; you disappeared into the field and were not seen or heard from for months if not years at a time. It was romantic, dangerous and horribly counterproductive. Sometimes you worked on the wrong question for months before being told to go out there and collect the proper data. Sometimes you were working with the wrong people, the wrong groups, and only found out later when you had to return the next year.
In a different age a simple short wave radio was all the entertainment possible, other than what you could make your own.
So I'm sorry for your privations, I think more than a bit of the 'self imposed suffering' I spoke of is your constant fretting over the DCS situation. On the island, this kind of self doubt is counter productive. He is or he isn't your Prince Charming. Time will tell. We can all have our doubts, but I'd love to be surprised and be proven wrong. For me this would not involve tiaras at all. It would be the clear, consistent and constant message that he wanted to be with you, and his actions to see that this was accomplished, and soon. A plan, a mutually agreed upon schedule of events, something a bit more reassuring than what you've got presently. Again if it was me, I'd find a way on to your island and make certain that you knew my intentions.
But as I said before, I'm romantic like that. So perhaps tiaras are not that far off. So find the Burger King there and get a paper one to tide you over. Or make your own. Those are the one's that last the longest.
But your crowning glory should not be a (just) a future with DCS, it can and should be a life you will construct for yourself here and now. There's romance and danger in that, fears & insecurity too. But it's something you can do almost alone, and it's something you have the tools and intellect to construct now.
So the final word from this side of the grave : Stop Worrying about the contingent future, and least of all with a man. Build and create a future and a life you can inhabit comfortably. The guys can come join you when they finally get around to figuring out what it is that they want. For some, this may take another decade. That's a bit long to remain on tender hooks, right KC.
Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
Are you an academic? A scientist? Professor? Professional Foosball Champion?
Guru on the mountaintop? Candlemaker?
And yes, it is nice to have a feedback. Makes shouting into the canyon a bit more interesting. Sometimes feedback needs refeedback from me.
In order: Sort of a-c. No on c, e&f. I too hope some of this helps you. I do hope you're keeping out of the way of all the storms too. Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
Geez, that was no on the Foolsball champion, 'd'. Keep as dry as you care to be! Cheers, 'VJ'
Hmmm.. vagueties always lead to curiosities.
Got some of Alpha, but mostly the freak rains. Rainiest of a generation here.
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