Letter to DCS

Dear DCS,

I wrote this over and over and over again in my head last night, and this morning I can’t come up with a single elegant turn of phrase, poignant sentence at all. I went through the engagement pictures and cried; I went through the graduation pictures (that I never got) in my head and cried. I went through the pictures of us doing things that I never let you take because the camera makes me uncomfortable, and I cried.

DCS, I have let you treat me like garbage for six months. I have been patient, long suffering and every other adjective straight out of Corinthians 13. I simply cannot continue our relationship this way. I cannot be putting everything in and not getting anything out. I have let you string me along. And I have lied to myself.

“He is just having trouble transitioning. He is just lashing out at the one thing that he is secure enough in his life to take his problems and frustrations out on. It is like an anorexic; except it is our relationship that he feels he has control over, not food. I know how much he loves me and I will be here for him while he needs this. I will give him my unconditional and endless love and that will pull him through this time.” That is the ridiculous story I have trumped up for you and I have told myself and everyone that has encouraged me that I am worth more than this. I fabricated this lie to tell myself to comfort me because you keep on hurting me.

I understand doubts and finding ones way and all that, but I never thought you and I were mutually exclusive of finding oneself. I never turned you out when I looked for my path.

Everyday I rush to the post, to the email to see if there is a blast from the past style note, a love letter, a sign that things are on. I check your AIM profile to see if you have put in a note like Heather and James had. “My girlfriend is the most AMAZING person!!!! I am CRAZY about Heather!!!!” You won’t even acknowledge the stupid facebook boyfriend link. Every weekend I wait on tenterhooks, just KNOWING that you will appear, like I have for you when you needed that. I have my cell on me like a growth, waiting for your calls. Waiting for you to call me, to verbally throw yourself prostrate before me, having realized the enormity of losing an “us” life, and you beg my forgiveness. Sincere reflection and apology. And I will say, “Oh sweetpea, forgive? There is nothing to forgive now, I love you too. With my whole heart and life, I love you.” A call that I will hear sincere love and it will be backed up with action that makes the words believable. “I love you, come home this weekend. Bring some stuff so we can make this our place.”

Almost every time you do call though, it isn’t that. It is you reasserting that you don’t want me in your life, and therefore don’t want me. How many times and in how many different ways do I need to hear that before I get the message? It turns me cold and abrupt. If you really loved me like you say you do, if you really wanted that life together like you say you do, you wouldn’t treat me like this, it wouldn’t be a multi-month decision making process. It isn’t out of the ordinary for a woman to want to be the first priority to the man that says he loves her or want to be treated like a princess by that man.

You know you never ask me things. I want to know your dreams, what drives you, but you never return the question. I beg you to let me know what I can do to help you regain your footing, your happiness, but you never assk how you can contribute to mine.

I am very concerned that you have this fantasy that if we are meant to be together you can treat me worse than a dog and that later everything will be peaches. I believe that we are meant to be together, but I don’t do the let’s get back together later. I have learned that. If you can treat me in such a manner that I leave, you could do it again in the future and that isn’t something to put myself through again.

I didn’t have to leave you to know I love you. I loved you from the start.

DCS, I cannot be this person anymore. This heartbroken, soul shattered remnant of who I used to be. I am a wraith floating through my own life, broken by you. I need to search for the pieces of my dignity. I need to find where I misplaced my spine. I need to gather the pieces of my life that don’t have you in it and try to cobble a new life out of these. The very thought of that makes me nauseous. I can feel the loss of unborn (and dead) children with you, I can see the Springfield home evaporate, the downtown apartment made into a bachelor pad, and I feel your long cool fingers slip out of my grasp. Hand holding no more.

You say that this person is who you must be right now, but at what cost DCS?

There is no time to dawdle. Ask me not to go. Be sincere. Be the man you want to be. Be the man you see having that life together with me. Come see me. Write me love letters. Invite me home. Pursue. Genuine. Apologize. Realize how close you came to losing me and everything about a life together with us. Be the romantic. Let us plan grad school and work and life and adventure and love together. Let me love you with my whole heart. Love me with your whole heart. Be the man of my today and future, not just my past. Let me be your future.

Love,
Kc

There is no hero left in him, no boldness, no courage. All that remains of a man I fell in love with is a rude, depressed, angry shell. What happens to do this? Is the DCS I know held hostage in a dark closet in his mind somewhere? How do I deal with the statements of "I want to be together with you", "I don't want you out of my life", "you are my future" and this treatment from him?

How easy it is to say, "Oh Kc, just concentrate on yourself now. Let him go." I wish it were so easy. I wish I was one of those people that could say "I wouldn't trade all this pain for never having had to be with him." Because I would. If I could see the now, four years ago, I would have not allowed him to convince me to be together.

I think that this is really it.
How can I let go of someone who is everything to me?
How can I not call?

How do I do this?